# I've never felt so guilty in my life (neuter)



## noodle (Oct 21, 2010)

Sorry if this seems jumbled/wordy. I am so emotionally upset.

So I had a neuter surgery today for my hairless rat Ollie. I had to get one of his cage mates (Kuiper) neutered about 3 weeks ago due to him having some hormonal problems always chasing Ollie. It was a complete success and he has healed nicely. Well, Ollie decided since Kuiper was no longer the alpha, that he could be a tyrant. After Kuiper healed up and I put him back in the cage, Ollie opened up part of Kuiper's incision in a dominance scuffle. Also, he attacked Thaddeus, his other cage mate, leaving a lot of blood on his neck and ear. It's strange because neither of them have ever ever attacked Thaddeus (he's like the neutral party) and I have never seen such a bad attack that I knew he needed to be neutered. Like Thaddeus had bite marks on his neck and he was bleeding out of his ear pretty bad.
So Friday morning I dropped him off at the vet to be neutered but I was called during work, being told that the surgery room had an emergency and they weren't able to see him that day.
So I took him home yesterday night so he could be taken back tomorrow for neuter. I dropped him off this morning, same as I did with Kuiper. I pet his adorable little head and let them take him away for an exam and then neuter. I had no idea that that was the last moment that I would ever see my baby again.
I got a call from the vet about a hour and a half later and I knew it was bad news because the vet himself had called me, and he sounded like he was extremely distraught/shocked. He stated that one of Ollie's blood vessels popped and they weren't able to stop the bleeding in time.

I'm just devastated. I just want to go back in time to 4 hours ago and just cancel is appointment. This vet has been so good with all my rats and has even done two separate successful neuters for me. I just don't know what to do. I have so much guilt about this.
I just feel like I let him down. Like maybe I should have waited and rescheduled the appointment later. Or maybe I could have worked with him more. That attack on Thaddeus scared me so much that I jumped to neuter but I feel like I could have done more. They got along 99% of the time, and maybe that scuffle was just a complete accident. He loved me so much, he always wanted to be pet and sit on my shoulder. And I took him somewhere completely unfamiliar today and he was probably so afraid and now he's gone. How do I get over this? I just feel so guilty about his death that I want to just crawl in a hole.


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## Enchilada (May 29, 2014)

I'm sorry about what happened to your baby.  Sometimes random things just happen, theres no point in being upset with yourself with what happened. I think giving that rat a home, and giving him all the love you could, and caring for him was the best thing he could have had in his life, and he has you to thank for that. Just remember the good memories you have together and know you took amazing care of him. You did a great job, it was just a freak accident, its not your fault.


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## WolfPuppy (Jan 11, 2015)

I'm so, so sorry about your loss. Don't blame yourself though - you were selflessly doing what you thought was the best thing for your rats. It wasn't the vet's fault either (I know you weren't saying it was), it was just a freak accident. Accidents happen, and sadly this one was very tragic. You have to remember that _it wasn't your fault at all_. You thought that neutering him would make both him and your other rats happier. 

I can completely understand the feeling of wanting to go back in time and change things. Too bad that isn't possible. Like Enchilada said, just focus on all the good times that you had with him. You have to forgive yourself for his death, as it was completely unintentional.

So sorry though. That's really hard.


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## LarryLove (Mar 3, 2015)

I am so sorry this has happened to you and to Ollie. I know there's nothing I can say to ease your pain, but please know you're in my thoughts xx


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## Minky (Apr 4, 2013)

That sounds like a nightmare, I'm so, so sorry. It's hard to lose a rat, but to lose one suddenly when you're not prepared for it is the worst. I hope you take some time to grieve, write down all the things you remember about Ollie that made him special, print out a photo of him or have someone make you a portrait, maybe light a candle for him. Do what you need to in order to come to terms with his loss, and to seal his memory in place. None of this is your fault.


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## ponderosa (Oct 13, 2014)

I'm so sorry. This sounds like a freak accident and there was no way you could have seen this coming. This was not your fault.


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## abratforarat (Jan 12, 2014)

I couldn't be sorrier! It is no way your fault!


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## Korra (Dec 11, 2011)

I just lost my amazing little Ozzy this way. He woke up from the neuter and ws moving around according to the vet, but he closed his eyes and never woke up. It was devastating.


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## Rat Daddy (Sep 25, 2011)

Not to repeat what other folks have said...

I'm thinking that at some point in the not too distant past the general staff and the admiralty of the Japanese Empire were standing around studying a map of Pearl Harbor thinking about what a good idea it would be to air drop a few surplus bombs and torpedoes there. I'm thinking a few years later they were regretting that decision and feeling pretty guilty about it. In hindsight, it really is hard to think of a worse decision anyone consciously ever made in the history of mankind.

We all make choices, sometimes rats get killed, sometimes humans get killed, sometimes we get killed. We make decisions that set things in motion and sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. I can't assuage your guilt. I can tell you I've made my share of decisions that didn't work out either and I can remind you that you are in very good company, but it's not likely to make you feel much better for now.

I can only tell you that some day when you look back over the course of your life, you will see that things all had to work out just the way they did... every choice you made fits into a greater plan. I'm not going to promise you that the pain goes away; it really doesn't... but with time comes wisdom and understanding and the ability to live with your decisions, both those that worked out and those that didn't. 

I am very sorry for your loss.


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## Tedology (Mar 3, 2015)

We make choices in life. Choices do have consequences. Some are beneficial, some are not. Some are what we want; some aren't.

I hope that the pain goes away with time... please do your best to remember that the guilt you feel should never cloud over the good memories you have with Ollie.

Your intentions were benevolent. Nobody can blame you....and you certainly shouldn't.

Praying for your comfort.


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