# Adoption



## Aeyna (Jun 16, 2014)

I apologize in advance for the long rant, I just gotta get this off of my chest. 

I'm adopted. I've known my whole life, and basically can't remember a time when I didn't know. When I was little, I would imagine that my birth mom was a princess who couldn't keep me because she was too busy ruling her kingdom. It's stupid, but I was a kid. When I was 13, my adoptive mother died of cancer, and that's kinda when I decided that I wanted to know who my birth mother was. By then, I was old enough to know that she wasn't a fairy princess, and I kinda started preparing myself for the worst. In my mind, the worst would be that she was a crack head who would only want to get to know me to try to steal money or something. When I turned 17, I started asking my dad, who would always say he would help, but really never did. After a few years of college, I was able to figure out the name of the adoption agency, and sent in an inquiry. 

They responded back that it would cost me $400 to find out if my birth mother had ever contacted them after she had me. So basically, I could potentially spend $400 and never find her. Since I was a 19 year old student, I had very little income, and couldn't afford a maybe, so I decided to pass. A few months later, the agency went in to close my file, and found that my birth mother had tried to find me when I was 18, but was unable to because legally, only the child can search at 18, the mother has to wait until the child is 25. Because of this, they had her current contact information, and were willing to discount the fee to $200, and were willing to contact her to see if she would split the fee with me, so I would only have to pay $100. We agreed, exchanged letters, and then met for dinner. 

It was kinda strange. We order food the exact same way, hate and like the same foods, etc. She was still living in the area, and I had moved back for college, so she was close and I could visit often. For awhile, it was great. We went to hockey games together, she would take me shopping, and we got along great. But that didn't last for very long. She has some issues. In my opinion, she had me at 16, and then never grew up. She acts very young for someone in their 40s, tends to wear very revealing clothes that I wouldn't even wear, and goes out drinking and partying all the time, posts crazy things about it on Facebook, and made my adoptive family extremely uncomfortable. She acted like she wanted to be my sister, and would insist to people that saw us that she was my mom, but isn't it great that we look like sisters? She can also never be wrong. If she says something, and then you show her proof that she's wrong, she'll say that the information she was given was wrong, but won't admit fault. 

Then it got bad. She was treating me like a trophy instead of a person. She always wanted to take me to things, like a friend's baby shower, just so that she could show me off, and if I didn't want to go, she would get so upset that she would have to go to the HOSPITAL. I've never met someone who was so dramatic that they would need to go to the ER to deal with their daughter not wanting to go to a party. She would also tend to take credit for my personal achievements. I'm a good student, so she would brag to her friends that she must be so smart because look at my grades. She also really didn't want to me to meet the rest of her family, always talked bad about them, and when I did have the opportunity to be in the same room as my grandmother, she pretty much made sure that we didn't speak. At the time, I was only 20. It was hard for me to figure out what to do, because I just met this person, I want to have a relationship, but at the same time, it felt wrong. And if we argued over something, she would stop speaking to me for several days, then magically call me up like everything was fine, and never mention whatever it was that we had fought over, and never apologize.

I had become close to one of her friends, and we actually all went on a cruise together, and it was really nice to talk to her, cause she had known my birth mother for a very long time, and was able to give me some insight. Also on the cruise, there was something that my birth mother wanted to do that neither me or her friend were interested in, so my birth mother locked herself in the cabin for several hours over it. Basically like a child throwing a tantrum. A few months after the cruise, I found out that they were no longer friends because my birth mother had wanted to hang out with the friend on a night when the friend was sick, and then saw a post on Facebook that another person had stopped by the friend's house that night, so my birth mother has never spoken to her since. To me, that's just insane. Even at 20, I had never lost a friend over a Facebook post, especially one as innocent as that. 

The last straw was last year when I decided that I would like to know who my birth father is. I had asked, and she had always blew me off by saying that he had a unique name and she was unable to locate him, so she wasn't going to tell me the name. It really didn't make any sense, and I just got the feeling that she was being selfish with me, and she didn't want to share me with him. She had already told me about how when she found out she was pregnant, his family had offered to pay for the abortion, etc, and that's why she didn't stay in touch with him. After me asking several times, she finally agreed to send me his name, because she had found out that he had married and divorced and had kids, which meant that I have half siblings somewhere. I got really excited. I know that the likelihood of the siblings being over 18 is low, but maybe they will be soon and I could meet them, and be like an aunt to them. 

Then after 24 hours of dodging my calls, she told me that it would be too stressful for her to give me that information. I was devastated. It was like she was dangling a carrot in front of me, and then locking the carrot in a box and throwing away the key. I decided right then that she was far more concerned with her life and her happiness than she would ever be about mine. It's still really hard to think that someone who you really want to be motherly just doesn't even care about you, and she doesn't even treat me like I have feelings. I let her know that I wasn't going to have that drama in my life. I was still in school, about to start a pre law program, and I didn't have time in my very stressful life to deal with her drama and the extra stress that it brings. 

That would be when the stalking started. Endless phone calls, texts, and emails that were mostly taunting me, asking if I was having fun yet, calling me names, etc. She had my adoptive father's number, and he told me that she calls him at least once a month asking about me and begging him to get me to call her. She even told him the name of my birth father, along with a weird story about how she was raped and abused by him (the story has changed several times, and is never the same). I honestly don't believe a word of it. In my opinion, she has no clue who my father is, and is just trying to cover it up. Beyond that, I think that anything my birth father did when he was 16 doesn't necessarily define the person that he is today. I know I've changed a lot in the last ten years, I have to imagine that he might have too. Because of the stalking, I ended up changing emails, deleting Facebook, and changing my phone number. I've moved several times, and I'm fairly confident that she doesn't know where I am. She posted a few months ago this long tirade about me on Facebook, with lots of personal info about me. My sister sent me a screen shot, and me step mom messaged her and told her it was inappropriate and to take it down, which she did. 

Everything changed today. My boyfriend had me start a new Facebook so that we could organize a game that we play with his friends. It's just a group where we set up times to play and such. I avoided my last name, just used my middle name, and didn't post a pic or anything. And today she found me. She sent me a friend request along with another message to call her. I'm just fed up. Nothing with her ever ends well. She just wants me back because she has pushed her family and friends away and is lonely. I'm not willing to be her pet. I think I deserve to be treated with respect, and like a human being. I know that not all parent's put the needs of their children above their own, but I don't need to be in a relationship where I'm a slave to her needs. 

In all of the posts and such that she's made about me, and in all of the messages she's sent, she's never once admitted that she did something wrong or apologized. She blames me, says that I'm unreasonable, etc. Am I wrong to cut her out of my life? I don't know. But the thought of talking to her and starting back up what I consider a destructive relationship makes me sick to my stomach. My dad mentions her every few months and passes on the message that she wants to talk, and he thinks that I shouldn't burn bridges. My boyfriend suggested deleting the new Facebook account and starting over with a fake name. I think it's kind of ridiculous that I can't use social media to connect with friends and family because she keeps stalking me on there.


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## Charlottesmom (Nov 27, 2013)

Wow! This whole senario sounds like a toxic relationship where the elder never grew up. You sound like a extreamly intelligent, level headed young woman, and though it will probably be painful you may just have to sever ties with this woman as her shenanagans will probably never end. I guess this could fall under "be careful what you wish for". I wish you the best of luck.


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## Aeyna (Jun 16, 2014)

Thanks. I just want her to get the hint and leave me and my adoptive family alone. My dad makes it sound like we could have a great relationship, but I just don't see that ever happening, and I'm extremely reluctant to let her back into my life after the crap she's done.


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## Hey-Fay (Jul 8, 2013)

You can block her on facebook. I have no problem using an alias on social media, I have people that I don't want to find me. I don't add family either. My personal opinion is to not let her back in your life. It sounds like a very toxic relationship and no one needs that in their lives. I wish you the best and I hope everything goes over smoothly with whatever you choose.


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## Enchilada (May 29, 2014)

Wow. That kind of reminds me of my crazy grandmother, She never grew up and acts like a stalker if you don't give her attention. I agree, Sounds like a toxic relationship. Sometimes you just have to let people go who drag you down constantly, some people will never get it, and you just have to move on.


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## cagedbirdsinging (May 28, 2012)

Sometimes, there's a reason that people weren't meant to be in your life. I think you found your reason. It sounds like you really dodged a bullet, not being raised by her.


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## abratforarat (Jan 12, 2014)

So sorry! That's a wreck. How immature


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## webspinnr (Jul 27, 2014)

I'd also start keeping a log of the stalking so if nessecary you can get a restraining order. I know it might seem sad or weird to get one against your mother, but you're right, this is not a healthy person and you shouldn't have to hide your whole life.


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