# I can never make everyone happy. >.<



## Phantom (Apr 4, 2012)

My boyfriend and I are both college students wanting to move out of our parent's houses because we are old enough. So we went out today, and we've been looking at apartments for the past few months and we've finally decided to view one for the second time. We put the money down for it today and I told my parents about it and my Dad pretty much flipped out. 

The situation is pretty much this, my boyfriend doesn't care for his Dad and his new step mother and really needs to move out of the house. He's in a "obey the new rules or get out" type of situation. His step mother also has a grudge against me for I have no idea what reason. I'm only allowed to visit him every other week and only on Saturdays and Sundays. So this is the reason for the apartment. He can't afford it on his own so of course I would help him with it. 

When it comes to him coming over to my house it's a whole different scenario. He's not allowed to spend the night unless my brother is home because my Mother has the whole "no sex before marriage or no living together before marriage" mind set. She thinks it's against God. My boyfriend also lives an hour away and works on weekdays (I work on weekends.) so her mind set really complicates things sometimes. My Dad's okay with him coming over and spending the night, but I can only do this when my Mom is in favor of it.

So of course we would want to move out. Only when I told my Dad about this whole situation he flipped out because that would mean two empty rooms in my family's house (my brother's away at college) and he would have to downgrade the house. Right now the housing market is not doing so well either. Plus, I would have to put my work over my school in order to pay for an apartment and both my parents want me to graduate college and save all the money I earn from work to buy a house later on when I get a better job. If I ever fall into any debt or need any help wth payments my Dad would have to help me out and that would be a finacial strain on him as well. 

My Dad proposed that my boyfriend come live at our house because we have one empty room to spare. He said it's perfectly fine and that my Mom and him basically did the same thing while they were in college. My boyfriend is highly considering the offer, but he thinks it's a little weird to be living with my parents. He'd also not have to pay anything. The only problem is my Mom does not like the idea at all because of her moral values and she thinks it's wrong. 

I respect both of my parents and their seperate decisions, but I wish I could just make everyone happy. Either way I go someone's going to get upset. I hate that it's mostly my Mom who gets upset because of her beliefs and values, but I need to take into consideration everyone else's situations and dilemas as well. 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months shy of five years now by the way.

I hate having to rant over the internet, and I'm sorry if I brought religion into this post (I tried doing it in the minimum possible way to explain my Mom's situation.).


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## ahrat (Aug 12, 2013)

Stay at home. Nothing sounds too horrible about being there. It's free. There is nothing more I would love to just be able to live for free. I've been living on my own since 18, going to school full time AND working full time, and believe me, nothing should ever come before school. Never. You are paying BIG BUCKS to go there, don't waste it. Parents all the way. If they're offering, I'd say do that for sure. It could be slightly awkward, but I mean, it really solves everyone's problems for the cheapest. Just be respectful of your mother. Even if it sounds silly to you, her heart is in the right place. As long as you vaguely follow everyone's rules, I don't think anyone would be completely unhappy. Good luck in whatever you choose though!


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## Awaiting_Abyss (Jul 24, 2012)

My husband lived in my parents house with me for over a year since he moved here from Indiana. It worked out just fine and my dad has the same opinion as your mom. After that we shared two apartments with my brother for a year.. and now we own our own place. Its expensive, but I enjoy the freedom.


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## Rat Daddy (Sep 25, 2011)

You know, I might be older, and older folks tend to like to give advise... but I'd like to think I'm still just a little bit cooler than that.

So here's the plan.... no matter what you do you are about to F up your life... and no way are you ever going to get it untangled again. Whatever you decide to do you are going to regret the choice you didn't make 20 years from now. I've been there and done that and could have had a nicer t-shirt if I chose otherwise... or maybe I would have been hit by a truck and be dead by now.

So without giving you any real advise as to what to do.... sit down and think about what you really want and talk to everyone about what they really want and try to come up with a plan that has at least an outside chance or working. Keep in mind, no matter how good your plan is, an out of control airplane over your neighborhood is still going to really mess it up. Then go for whatever it is you decide and try to have as much fun with it as you can before everything goes sideways and you wake up a "responsible" adult wondering how you got yourself into the fine mess you will be in when you wake up some day...

I wish you the best luck with whatever you decide, a little good luck makes up for a lot of poor planning.


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## Phantom (Apr 4, 2012)

Thanks guys. My boyfriend and I are going to sit down and talk about all this with my parents in the next few days. His living at my house would not work either because his job would be over an hour away. (He lives an hour away from me.) We'll hopefully get this sorted out a little better.


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## Sylver (Sep 5, 2013)

I've been in a similar situation myself. 

Stay at home. Go to school. Prioritize that above ALL ELSE. It will only get harder as you get older, so make it stick while you've got the chance. Being able to focus on school work without the exhaustion of adding a job is ideal. Life never gets simpler, it only gets more complex. I don't know, maybe it gets simple again when you retire, but I'm not that far yet. 

Then the boyfriend situation - that's kind of how I did it with my fiance when I was 18. We were able to share a room (I afforded my parents the courtesy of waiting til I was 18 to have any sexual relations whatsoever, that's all they were getting off of me ), neither of us had to pay rent. Fiance just had to help around the house. My parents did not care for him in the least, and the feeling was quite mutual. Living in a home where all the people you love hate each other is no fun for anyone. 

That being said, I happen to think that cohabitation prior to marriage is extremely ideal for most people. It does not matter at all how long you have known someone, or how well you think you know them, you DO NOT know them like you will after living with them for just a few months. This trial period while living under your parents roof is pretty great. You get to see how he interacts with your family, his habits, and every one of his facets that may have been hidden before. You both get to focus on school, which is going to help to get you on solid ground to have a good future. 

This is also important because of a hilariously evil thing your brain does to people when they're in love - when thinking of the object of your affection, the reward part of your brain activates, and the part of your brain that makes critical judgement calls about others - shuts off. So what you end up with is someone that you think is perfect, regardless of if they are not. Luckily, this only lasts about 2-3 years, this is the passionate 'in love' stage. That's why there are people who fall in love with the most horrid people, who may only take a break from clubbing seals to punt kittens and insult the elderly, but their girlfriend/boyfriend still thinks they hung the moon and cannot be reasoned with otherwise. If you think about it now, you may notice that a ton of relationships tend to fail around the 2-3 year mark, when the magic has worn off. (if you think about it animal-wise, it's just enough time for an infant to be weened and accompany a mother who can now forage for herself again, before the male goes back out to spread his genes some more - we're not just dumb animals, we're the _dumbest_ of animals because we forget and deny that we're still dumb animals). 

Real love comes after the magic wears off. As someone once eloquently put it to me, "true love is not 'because', it is 'despite'". Once you've lived together for awhile, you can start to see the things that drive you absolutely insane, and which of those things are still totally OK - because you love them, and that's just how they are, even if you maybe want to choke him sometimes. And if you don't work out, then you're none the worse for wear beside the breakup itself - you don't have shared bills and contracts. You both have somewhere else to go (or more specifically, I guess he does, and you're already home). The divorce rate is about 50%, sure, but then you have to remember how many relationships actually make it to the point of even thinking about marriage - it's far less than 50%!

And if he can't move in with you right now, if it's real, he'll wait. 

Seems like if you're going to offend _someone_, it might as well be mom. Might be her feelings getting a little bit hurt, but hurt feelings are certainly preferable to the hurt that could come from moving out before you're steady on your feet. And who knows, if she sees that he's making a valiant attempt to be respectful and all that, maybe she'll come around. 


AHHhh things I wish someone had told me when I was younger... if I even would have believed them!


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## trematode (Sep 8, 2012)

It sounds in a sense like your parents don't want you to leave... IE, your dad's comment about having another empty bedroom and how the housing market is terrible. Unless you're paying rent to stay with you parents or your parents are giving you the funds to move away, an empty bedroom in a house is not relevant to the argument.

I'd sit on the idea for a while longer. There is a LOT more to consider than unhappiness and having to put work before school.

I had no choice but to live away from home in order to attend university. University is incredibly expensive, especially in the states. Most people I know who are facing professional school and or amount of debt are greatful to be living with their parents while they get through some or all of their education. They don't have to worry about doing without. They don't have to worry about being making rent and living expenses. They don't have to worry about paying back loans. I do. I am about $60 000 in debt and I am only making a little bit more than minimum wage here.

I take it, since you're on this forum, that you also have animals that you are responsible for. I never took on the responsibility of owning rats or cats while in school because I know that emergencies happen and that I could easily rack up hundreds to thousands of dollars in veterinary bills. It's not fair on your animals to move out, have something happen and can't afford to get them looked after.

I didn't move in with a boyfriend until after I graduated. We were both coincidentally doing an extra year of university in the same city. Since the cost of living is incredibly high here, we decided to live together to save money. After 3 years of dating, our relationship went south and I ended up sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with my ex for 6 months. Dating became akward. Oh yeah, the the bus went on strike for 6 weeks so I had to depend on him to drive me everywhere. It was awful.

Living away from the parents is great, especially if you don't get along or want to participate in things that your parents don't necessarily approve of, but there is a lot more to consider. You're young. Before you know it, you'll be done school, working full time and in a position to move out.


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## nanashi7 (Jun 5, 2013)

I would stick with your school if only because I know tons of people who set it aside to deal with more "current" obligations, get a menial job...and never return to school. And yes, this is coming from the girl who just ranted about higher education. If your dream lies at the end of the path of college, go to college. 

I have to pay my own way through college and all my own bills, and it changes you. My boyfriend who didn't have these obligations always got on my nerves. I just remarked how I felt like I just turned 40 despite being 21 because my priorities are "adult" when I feel like I'm still a teen. My family was disappointed that for Christmas I wanted food (and leftovers to take home and use to eat for a week), socks, and a handheld vacuum. My friends go to conventions and clubs and cool events and I'm counting the tickmarks on my fuel gauge to see if I can make it to school tomorrow. 

Keep in mind that an hour commute costs less than rent and bills! And, it will cost YOU less in the longrun. I think the boyfriend should commute and be so so happy.

((I also should add, my boyfriend's mother was super strange like your mom about girl/boy relations and staying over. He eventually just did it, she flipped out, and then got over it. It was a rough two weeks while she was upset, but she calmed down and realized we are two responsible young adults. I let her give me the sex talk [lecture] and that was it.))


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## Phantom (Apr 4, 2012)

My Dad did end up talking about it to him, and we've decided that we should save moving out for a little longer along the road. We might have also found two other potential roomates that want to move out as well and might be willing to share an apartment with us. We'll wait and see how things go though with school first. We've been through some really weird times before, and usually everything ends up working out despite what is thrown at us.


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