# I just cant stand it.



## ClassicFAIL

I CANT STAND MY PARENTS. <= yes that was totally necessary. 

So, I got a job at a horse farm (YAY!) and this job requires me to get my lifeguard certification (again) I can't get re-certified because mine expired last summer and they only give you 2 months before you have to completely retake all of the classes totaling to 350 dollars.. of which I don't have the money and my parents (who originally said they would pay for it) backed out. This then made my mom go into a fit because I "cant do anything right." I always have to "rely on her" and I "cant do anything for myself". She "cant believe at 21 years old I still need my mother to do everything for me" NEWS FLASH! She SAID "I'lll call so and so for you" or "I'll take care of this you do...." then never does it and starts screaming at me when i said that she said she would take care of it while i was doing something else.....

Yesterdays she said that I was a mistake (Mind you I am adopted) that everything I do is a mistake, that getting me a car was a mistake (my old car was a 1999 POS) She called me worthless and retarded. She completely based me.... so I decided to clean my room (real intention was trying to either get to chases cage or find me knife..) I was in the process of moving around my furniture so i could vacuum my room well... so yeah. I found the knife first... wasn't sharp. 

Now my dad is treating me like i don't exist because i apparent embarrassed him yesterday when I caught him eating MY food which I payed for without asking me. So i got annoyed and i told him I felt disrespected and he laughed at me and said that its just food. I said "yeah well your are diabetic and you should be eating ice cream anyway" and them my mom started laughing and said "I told you she would be mad" yeah?. I was always taught to ask before taking. SERIOUSLY. I don't allow myself treats often as I'm trying to lose weight..... I was annoyed. So I voiced it... but my friend was down stairs who mind you has been my friend since kindergarden... She didn't care. So I "embarrassed him" and what annoyed me wasn't that he ate my food... and when i try to explain this they don't listen. Its the blatant disregard for my feelings. They always eat my food, I always get mad, they know this but still continue. I don't have the luxury of being able to eat what ever i want. I have a very sensitive stomach. I cant eat red meat or pork or anything high in fat. they constantly forget this. I always have to use the kitchen to make my own food while they prepare dinner for the rest of the family and always yell at me that i'm in the way. 

Honestly I cant stand it. I cant live in this house, but if I leave there goes my college education, my car, and all hopes for my future... I cant pay for it. I can barely hold a job other then seasonal summer work.... I cant work in retail or the food industry because "I don't work fast enough" or "I don't work independently enough" they always threaten to fire me and cut back my hours so I only work like 3-6hours a week. Always happens and because of my mental disorders and depression I don't take rejection well. My parent wont allow my to apply for disability because mentally i just cant handle anything. YOU WOULD THINK that they would try to exploit my disorders for money especially like grants or stuff for school but no. THEY LOVE to make me feel bad by always bringing up how I'm wasting their money or a plan for the future. I'm a Digital Media Educational Technology major. Concentration in photography, specifically pet portraits and wildlife photography. I have won awards, and working on being published. I'm NOT a FAILURE but they like to make me think I am. So I guess to them I am...

Honestly sometimes, suicide seems like the best answer.... because I see no purpose.


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## thenightgoddess

You should try other retail places not all of them will do that some will understand. My last job(and first) did that to me even though I worked there for four years but now I work at a cvs and they love me. You don't have any friends that would move out with you to help pay for stuff and you could either try another job or apply for disability then. When I first moved out there were six of us living in one apartment so everyone could afford it. It really feels like you are in a negative environment and need to get out any way possible. Not sure why you leaving would effect your car and education just apply for a student loan thats how I payed for mine and I am paying it back now and is the car in your name if so they can't take it away from you. Maybe take a year or semester off from school to try and get some scholarships and apply for a student loan.

Also DO NOT KILL YOURSELF
If you ever need to talk send me a message I went threw similar stuff in high school.


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## Kuraudia

I cannot put enough stress into this but DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT SUICIDE. That's the worst thing anyone can do and it will hurt everyone that cares for you. People do care for you, even your parents, that aren't showing it right now, do care for you and want nothing to happen to you, trust me.
Sometimes things are hard, but that doesn't mean that you have to quit, you just have to try harder. 
Maybe you can show your parents that you are worth it and that you are able to do things, and that will make you, at least, happier.
You need to have faith in yourself and be really strong to get through all of this. Find the things you want to do and be able to do them.

Best of luck, I hope this helps out, even if it is only a little. I hope it cheers you on.


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## cagedbirdsinging

I edited your post to remove the vulgar language. Please avoid using language like that here as this is a family-friendly forum. Here are the rules that you agreed to when registering: http://www.ratforum.com/showthread....-Rules-READ-BEFORE-POSTING-Updated-12-04-2012

Regarding the post, you need to have this conversation with your therapist so that he/she can remove you from that situation.


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## ClassicFAIL

cagedbirdsinging said:


> Regarding the post, you need to have this conversation with your therapist so that he/she can remove you from that situation.


Thats the funny thing with my family.... My mother insists that we all see the same therapist and the same psychiatrist.... I want to change both but my mother will not let me. Since I am under her insurance is sorta what she says goes thing since i cant afford the copay.... My house is just all sorts of screwed up. At 21 years old i should be able to move out and start a life BUT, if i don't my mother will literally destroy my life. She is very good at turning my entire family against someone. I not only would get disowned by my immediate family but all of my extended family... and thats really messed up because I'm not even related to any of them (except my twin.) We both get treated like absolute crap. Constantly felt like we are mistakes, we are not good enough, always messing up. She woke us up at 2AM calling us ungrateful, selfish, screw ups (sorry but she actually use more vulgar terms then that) because we fell asleep while cleaning the entire house 3 times over because it was up to her standards and that the house only ever looks bad when we are home. We offered to move out but she just guilt trips us and we get sucked right back in....This is the only family I have, I don't want to lose it but she makes it seems like everything that goes wrong is our fault


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## Hey-Fay

I have to agree with Caged, talk to your therapist, be brutally honest with him about the situation that you and your twin are in. 
And don't try or contemplate suicide, there are so many things to live for and there are other ways to get out of the situation you're in, you've just got to find them.
I know we've only been talking a few days but if you need to talk or need advice I'm always here and I'll always listen. I promise.


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## Ravaari

A close friend of mine shot herself with a shotgun. Suicide is bad. Nothing but pain comes from it.


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## Ravaari

Also, good job ranting. Telling anyone about a problem can make you feel better always. Also, a good cry or a good laugh. Need a cry, watch something like The Green Mile, or laugh with Aziz Anzari, John Mulany, or other comedians, or watch funny movies. It seems to me that a laugh would do you better than a cry, but I know that I always feel much better after a deep, hearty sob. Maybe I'm just weird. We all feel like failures sometimes. That's what drives us to succeed.


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## nanashi7

CF, I don't know if you still check back on this. I was hesitant to speak, and I don't bring up my past often but. 

I've been suicidal. I've heard these same words and felt like laughing - live for? What the heck is that? Words are good and all but no one knows what I'm going through. Virtual realities won't protect from the poison and thorns reality has. 

I went months either too doped up on antipsychotics to notice the world or reeling from another suicide attempt. I hate summer because it means smoldering in jackets and pants to cover the myriad of scars I bear. I couldn't talk to my psychiatrist about it, I'm the type where as soon as I sit down in front of someone I'm all smiles and everything is okay. My family, they weren't supportive. They laughed at how skinny I got (I was going weeks without eating) and told me how ugly my scars made me. I looked around and saw no love and no comfort and asked what I was doing there, could anyone really expect me to live this misery so THEY didn't have to feel bad over my death?

Lose yourself to find yourself. That's all I can say. I stopped caring what people said and thought as much as I could by hiding away through personas. I wear costumes and be eccentric - I have Victorian gowns, animal ears, whatever I need to for a break away from me. I invest heavily in my pets so some days when I can't be me I can e their human. This doesn't protect from the cruelty of others but it can provide relief. And while you are keeping your head down and watching one foot in front of the other, you may just make it to the road you're looking for all the faster. 

I wish I could tell you honestly that it gets better. I wish I could swear everything will be alright with your family one day and I could talk about those bonds but to be honest, after years of avuse from my stepdad I spoke out only just to be disowned and disavowed by my family and friends. I was told I ruined everyone's life. Family ain't worth much. Hook your lines into something, anything else and just hold on. Here I am five years after getting lost in a haze of alcohol and ten years after my stepdad last hit me and two years clean from self garm. I'm still not quite sure the meaning of life or if things get better but I'm not going anywhere just yet, despite all my lows. I've found some things I enjoy and am not willing to miss a year of my pets short lives so I'm hanging in. From my experience, more than consolations, it's the only thing that helped. 

As to your parents, I can only say trudge through. I was never the kid my mom wanted. I was the child that came in the midst of a divorce. Focus on your joy, your job, your dreams and just accept the short stick you've been dealt. Whatever others say about you, they're only words. Only you can turn insults into truth or give them meaning. Wheedle and compromise and beggar yourself if only so you can come out alive. 


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## rileys-mom

Please don't even think suicide is an answer. At 21, you still have so much life ahead of you. Today's problems are not worth giving up a lifetime for. I've lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Before medication, there were a number of times I came close to suicide. I'm glad I did not follow through. Don't listen when anyone is negative to you. Not easy, I know, but half of curing depression is learning to love yourself and not be beaten down by others. Do things to build your self confidence and find people to be with who make you feel good about yourself. You can't change your family, but you can change how you let them affect you (or NOT affect you)


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## ClassicFAIL

I can't seem to find anything. I've literally given up. I want to be a pet portrait photographer. I tried to broadcast myself, but I can only go so far. My friends and family aren't supportive at all. My mother thinks its a waste even though I've been told time and time again that I have the skills for it by teachers and colleagues. my mother doesn't approve and still believes that I will be that daughter who has no money and lives in an apartment with a dead beat boyfriend living off her parents money. I created a facebook page, invited all friends to spread the word, spammed them till they all liked it, only to have no one share or comment or passes it along... no one bothers to look. I have to explain daily to my parents why I hide in hoodies because I constantly have a few scratch or burn and I just feel too fat to wear anything else, why I cant answer the phone, the door, call to order food, ect. All they tell me is that I will never find a job, what will I do after they die? after college? I try to defend myself I get sighs, I get ignored, I get brushed aside, or treated like I don't exist. I can't dress how I want, I can't get any more piercings, or stretch my ears any bigger then a 4g, or wear they type of clothes I want... because them I'm a freak, I'm 21 and my mother still has that much control because if i move out i have to pay them $23,000 and then whatever I have to pay for the rest of my school. Because my mother insists on having the car in her name even though I pay for it. 

I have no freedom.... I cant escape..... I don't think I'll last another year....
Chase honestly gives me a reason to get up in the morning.... I only got up this morning because Chase had to have his medicine, then once i held him I felt better and more able to just get through today... but I keep getting harped by my sister and the forums, yes I know he needs a friend, yes i probably do him more harm then good, sorry but i cant win in my house. Deal with it till i move out.

I just cant get anywhere in my life, I'm constantly messing up, and honestly I just give up.


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## cagedbirdsinging

I understand your frustration, but this is your second warning for using profanity on our forums. Feel free to vent here to people that understand, as we have all been there, but please keep the language clean. (This includes asterisks, as well.)


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## Kuraudia

I had to come back here to see how you were doing. 
I totally understand that about your mother not being supportive. I get it from mine, too, saying I waste my time, when I'm not! But if that's what YOU want to do, then fight for it. Have you considered that there is more than just Facebook? Create a special email and twitter account and maybe even a tumblr. You should also try deviantART, as its an online community for people to sell art and to be noticed. I think you should at least have a look to see if you like it. 
You cannot give up!  Maybe you can do it as a hobby, at least to start with, but, hey, it's something.


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## ClassicFAIL

Kuraudia said:


> I had to come back here to see how you were doing.
> I totally understand that about your mother not being supportive. I get it from mine, too, saying I waste my time, when I'm not! But if that's what YOU want to do, then fight for it. Have you considered that there is more than just Facebook? Create a special email and twitter account and maybe even a tumblr. You should also try deviantART, as its an online community for people to sell art and to be noticed. I think you should at least have a look to see if you like it.
> You cannot give up!  Maybe you can do it as a hobby, at least to start with, but, hey, it's something.


I have a DA, had for 5 years (or so) only 60 some watchers who just vanished. Never get feedback or anything from them. Had a twitter, nothing so i changed it to a personal one. Have a tumblr but no matter how much i post or try to get myself promoted i only have 12 followers. I have noticed that alot of the time, the online community only likes to view but never buy.

anyways if anyone is curious of my work I'll post a thread.anyways if anyone is curious of my work I'll post a thread.


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## Kuraudia

I really, *really* think you should keep trying. You can do whatever you want to 
Don't give up, carry on!!
And, seriously, 60 watchers is A LOT. And that was five years ago... things have changed, new people are on.


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## franticfur

I've noticed some commenters have said they are going through similar things or that they understand. I find comfort knowing I am not alone with my pain, that other people expirence similar or same things and help each other through it. Let chase be your faith. Despite all that's happened he makes you happy and other rats will need you as well. No one knows what happens in the future I pray it gets better and I wanna stick it out to see if it does I want you too as well.


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## ClassicFAIL

franticfur said:


> I've noticed some commenters have said they are going through similar things or that they understand. I find comfort knowing I am not alone with my pain, that other people expirence similar or same things and help each other through it. Let chase be your faith. Despite all that's happened he makes you happy and other rats will need you as well. No one knows what happens in the future I pray it gets better and I wanna stick it out to see if it does I want you too as well.


I guess its a slight comfort but there are always small details that differ and makes everyones unique... so just because it got better for some doesnt always mean it will get better for me.... which always makes me question if it will ever get better.... 



Kuraudia said:


> I really, *really* think you should keep trying. You can do whatever you want to
> Don't give up, carry on!!
> And, seriously, 60 watchers is A LOT. And that was five years ago... things have changed, new people are on.


I still post stuff to my DA lol Its been more active this past year then it ever has... and I get no new watchers lol I mean I've won contests and been freatured but, still lol no new watchers.... its frustrating.


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## Hey-Fay

What's your DA? Mine is Hey-Fay, obviously lol


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## ClassicFAIL

Hey-Fay said:


> What's your DA? Mine is Hey-Fay, obviously lol


ClassicFAIL haha

http://www.ratforum.com/showthread.php?190817-Simple-Reasoning-Wildlife-and-Pet-Photography you should check this out :3


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## Kuraudia

I've had a look at your deviations and I think they're really good!!  It probably doesn't mean much to you that I say this, but you should keep trying  And you're getting loads of attention and support, too, so, that's amazing as well ^^


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## ClassicFAIL

Kuraudia said:


> I've had a look at your deviations and I think they're really good!!  It probably doesn't mean much to you that I say this, but you should keep trying  And you're getting loads of attention and support, too, so, that's amazing as well ^^


Not really hahaha. on DA the only reason is because i shove it down peoples faces and spam groups with submissions

Otherwise I'm sorta stuck. Nothing ever sells.... I cant sell a thing... i guess i'm just bad at advertising?


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