# I'm sorry, Lucky...



## ~ms_m_monroe~

She passed away Friday, July 25th, and I still cry everytime I think about her...i miss her so much.

She came to me as a rescue about 2 months ago. Someone tried to feed her to their snake, but she was too big. She came to me weighing only 100 grams, she couldn't eat solid food, she had a fractured foot, and a broken toe, a degloved tail, and a URI. She was being kept in a container smaller than a shoebox, on tissue paper, with no toys or houses, and she was being fed dog food.
3 weeks after I got her, her foot, toe and tail were completely healed, and her URI was gone, and she was close to 300 grams. She was living with 6 other girls, and she was such a sweetheart to the end...she had gotten pregnant while she was still in her temp cage, ironically the day i intro'd her to the other girls. She escaped, trying to get to me, and she found the boys instead...i lost her 2 weeks into her pregnancy....

Here is a copy of a note I wrote on Facebook about her, and the only picture I have of her and I together...

"So my little girl, Lucky. My rat that I rescued. The little white puffball with feet in my profile picture. I mentioned her a recent note. Saying that she was my little life saver. My little bundle of joy. She was my life saver because all she wanted to do was be with me. I saved her, and she saved me in return. She brought so much joy to my life. I never expected this. 
She got pregnant somehow. She escaped from her cage, in an attempt to find me, i think, because I hadn't played with her yet that night. 
She was due between the 1st and 4th of August. I was so excited. I had all of her babies named. I was convinced the babies would come on my birthday (the third). I had her out last night, i kissed her and told her goodnight.
I went in tonight, and she was laying on her back, and she was dead. Her, and all of her babies, are gone...
What probably happened was that her babies came too early, and her heart gave out...
And now I feel like my heart is giving out...
I have been sobbing for the past few hours. 
I could feel the babies in her stomach, even though she was dead, and i just wished more than anything that she could have had just one of her babies, so I could have something to hold onto. Something to remind me of her every day. It's ironic...her "song" was "Lucky" by Britney Spears. I sang it to her all the time. And now instead of her being the one wondering why, at the end of the day, everything still hurts, it's me. I'm the one wondering "...and they say 'she's so lucky-she's a star', but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart. Thinking 'if there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night???'". But the thing is, I now have something missing in my life. I'm missing Lucky. I miss being loved unconditionally. And I miss loving her unconditionally.
My pets are my life. And when they die, a part of me dies too...and i've had to bury 3 pets in the past 2 months...and pretty soon, they're just going to have to bury me. Because I can't take all this heartache, all this loss, all this pain.

I miss you, Lucky... "

I had written the above out the day after she died, and I just wrote this today:

"I feel horrible now.
I got another rat. 
Because her friend, Diva, the one she bonded with most, was really hurting. So, for my birthday, i got another rat to try and heal both mine and Diva's hearts...but now i feel worse...because I feel like Lucky is looking down on me, wondering why i replaced her...i didn't want to replace her...if I could, I would take her back in an instant. But Diva wouldn't eat, and would barely move. And now since a new friend has arrived, Diva is back to her normal happy self.
But I'm still here, holding back, trying not to love my new girl, Eclaire, because 1) i'm afraid that i'll lose her too, and 2) I feel like i'd be betraying Lucky...

(Note to Lucky: I still miss you. And I still cry everytime I think about you. And i'm sure Diva still misses you...please come visit when you can...you were always the best at licking away my tears....  "

Here's a link to a slideshow I made for her....
http://www.slide.com/r/VEZkk_WR2D9H...previous_view=mscd_embedded_url&view=original










No one will ever be able to make me smile the way that you could...


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## Stace87

Sorry to hear about Lucky. I'm sure she enjoyed the two months with you very much and was very thankful you saved her from being treated awfully. Well done for giving her fun and happiness in her life. Nice photo by the way =)

Don't feel bad about getting your new girl Eclaire. She's cheered Diva up  and Lucky would be glad her friend was happy again. No rattie will replace Lucky, but get bonding with Eclaire, she deserves to be loved too  

Good luck with your new girl.


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## Hallie-Mae

What a sad, touching story  She loved you so much and I really honestly don't think she would mind if you got another rat. You're not replacing her at all. As a rat I'm sure she understands that poor Diva would need company. Rats always need company. You did the best thing. After all, the rat you adopted also needs love and compassion and who would be a better due to provide it than you and Diva ? 

And you looked after her so admirably well, I mean she couldn't have had a better recovery, or a better owner. Obviously she loved you so much and would most definately not want you to be upset over her 

I know how you feel, there's always one rat that touches your heart that you refuse to let go, refuse to replace. But you really sincerely did a beautiful job at looking after her and making her happy; they all have to leave us some time, it's terrible and no one wants to accept it, but it does unfortunately happen to us all  

I'm also quite sure that she's considerably preoccupied being an amazing mother, and looking after her babies in the ratty afterlife  


RIP Lucky and her lovely bubs


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## lilspaz68

Lucky would never think that you were replacing her. She was a rescue and knows how hard it is to find a human to love, who will care for them when most people would give up and euthanize. YOU did that, and she loves you for it. These are the rats that find other rats in need and direct them your way.
I never feel like I am replacing one beautiful soul with another, they are all unique and teach us something new each and every one of them.

If Lucky was older that may be why she didn't live through her pregnancy, there can be big risks for a first-time mom after a certain age.

The rat I still tear up over was Gwinny, a rescue in a horrid situation like your girl, we bonded instantly even though she should have had a horrible mistrust of humans. We had 6 wonderful days together and then her body wore out and I had her pts. I don't regret it for an instant. Your Lucky got to know love for the first time in her life and will never forget it.

Brux and popcorn at the bridge sweet little Lucky, visit your mom every once in awhile, and lick away her tears.

May your heart heal soon. ((hugs))


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## Kathleen

That's a really cute picture. I'm sure Lucky was grateful for the two months she had with you. After all, it's about quality, not quantity. Rest well, Lucky!


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

lilspaz68 said:


> If Lucky was older that may be why she didn't live through her pregnancy, there can be big risks for a first-time mom after a certain age.
> quote]
> 
> She was only about 3 months old...she should have had so much more life ahead of her...it's not fair that she only had 3 months...i feel like i let her down...like there must have been SOMETHING more I could have done. Maybe if I had e-spayed her. (But I honestly thought she could handle the pregnancy, and I had EVERYTHING ready for it.) I keep thinking that if she could say one thing to me, she would say "why'd you let me down? you didn't rescue me...you killed me."


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## lilspaz68

Then she was too young...or she was a genetic timebomb, you'll never know

You didn't kill her, you tried your damnest to save her. Maybe an e-spay would've worked but do you have a good vet who does spays? Not everyone does.


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

lilspaz68 said:


> Then she was too young...or she was a genetic timebomb, you'll never know
> 
> You didn't kill her, you tried your damnest to save her. Maybe an e-spay would've worked but do you have a good vet who does spays? Not everyone does.


I _tried_ to save her, but I failed. And i'll never know if she knew how much I tried... I am still paying off her vet bill (i had to borrow the money from my parents), as well as paying for all the things i had bought for her pregnancy/babies....

I know of 1 vet in the area who does spays, but the last time I had inquired about e-spays, they were VERY reluctant, so i doubt they have done many, if any at all. 

The thing is..the night before she died...she wanted out to play, but I was too tired. So I picked her up and kissed her and told her that I loved her and that I'd play with her the next day, and even though she was fighting back, i put her in her cage, shut the door, and walked away. Never to see her alive again. 
I had given her a vitamin supplement (Ferretvite) that I give all my really young rats, I had just bought a new tube that day. She was the first to get some, and i gave her a good amount being that she was pregnant. Then I gave Diva some, only a little bit tho. The next day, when I went to give them some more, I noticed that the ther was something seriously wrong with the Ferretivite. It was really liquidy and smelled funny. I've never had a problem with Ferretvite before, except with that tube. I didn't use that tube again, and I plan on returning it saying "one of my rats died the night that I used that, so i really wouldn't put in back on the shelves"....
So maybe I really did kill her by giving her a bad tube of something. It wasn't expired, and I didn't notice anything at first.
I really hope it was just the pregnancy though...but she seemed so healthy....it just doesn't add up...


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## junior_j

Rest in peace lucky , have fun at the rainbow bridge!
Jess x


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## cute-rat

I dont mean to be mean but that rat looks very scared.


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## zoe9

She doesn't look scared to me. She looks content. And gorgeous - a lovely little girl.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Sometimes these things just happen, no real rhyme or reason, and nothing you could have done to prevent it.

RIP Lucky and the babies and all the best to you and your other rats.


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## Stace87

Lucky doesn't look scared to me either. She posed nicely for photo


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## Randi

To me, she looks thrilled. She looks excited that she'd found happiness.


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

cute-rat said:


> I dont mean to be mean but that rat looks very scared.


how else would that have come across, if not meanly...it's slightly bad etiquette to tell someone that in the only picture they have of them and their deceased beloved pet, that the pet looks "very scared"....

She never minded being held like that, actually. I didn't do it all the time, but I tried to get her used to not being handled like a little princess--all fragile and frail. My 3 year old cousin loves my rats, and I knew that their would be times where Lucky's back legs would not be supported (i supervise my cousin, and she is excellent with the rats, and the rule is that she can't "pick them up", but if they're about ready to walk into my dogs face or what have you, she will gently put her hand under the rats stomach, lift a few inches, and move over to safe ground), and I wanted to make sure she was comfortable in all positions.....


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## lilspaz68

Ears are relaxed, eyes are relaxed and interested, the leg splay is normal for balance along with some tail "whipping" . You will only _not_ see that if their feet are supported or they are a tucker...

She's a beautiful girl...PEW's are my favourite.

With the Ferretvite, sometimes you need to shake it up to mix it up, its rather oily an often the oily part comes out first. Like mustard...you get that watery stuff out of the squeeze bottle first sometimes. I doubt it was that. She may have been reabsorbing a pup and it didn't reabsorb properly. Rats sadly die really fast, sometimes we don't have any time to react. I have been through over 45 deaths in the last 4 years, so I know.  You cannot blame yourself, she wouldn't want that I don't think. Rats do quality over quantity with their lives and the time they spent with us. This type of guilt is sadly part of the learning curve.  You do your best and that is all you can do, and I guarantee YOU did your best.


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

Do you think it's possible...and i know this sounds crazy...but:
Do you think it's possible that she visits me?
I know that's going to sound ridiculous, but my new rat Eclaire, acts JUST like her, and sometimes Ecalire's underside is all white (she's a black/white veriberk dumbo with a mismarked blaze), so when she's climbing up the side of her cage, or if I look at her at just the right angle, I get chills, and I _feel_ Lucky. (Not the adjective "lucky", but my rat, Lucky.)
Just wondering if i'm going crazy or not....


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## lilspaz68

Its very possible in my mind. I think they do visit us, some of the really special ones anyways. I have a few that keep tabs on me...

You're right its not the appearance, its the "feel" of the rat. My first rescue's name was Lucky as well btw.

Even if she's not one of your present rats, her life was unfinished with you, so I am pretty sure she'll be back to have a proper loving lifetime with you the next time.


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## twitch

i believe in reincarnation, so to me that doesn't sound strange at all. she very well may be there. i have a few that will check up on me in my dreams


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

lilspaz68 said:


> Its very possible in my mind. I think they do visit us, some of the really special ones anyways. I have a few that keep tabs on me...
> 
> You're right its not the appearance, its the "feel" of the rat. My first rescue's name was Lucky as well btw.
> 
> Even if she's not one of your present rats, her life was unfinished with you, so I am pretty sure she'll be back to have a proper loving lifetime with you the next time.


Ok, now that I know that people don't think i'm _totally_ crazy, i really do think Lucky is Eclaire, or vice versa. Or at least sometimes. I've never had a female rat groom me, except for Lucky, who would grab my fingers and clean them like crazy. Eclaire does the same thing, in the same manner. And she's an odd-eye, so she has one red eye, just like Lucky, and I can just see it in her eyes--the same look that Lucky had.
I hope Lucky is here with me, or at least looks down on me. I hope she knows I tried my best and that I loved her very very much....


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## geebus

Its not possible - IMO


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## lilspaz68

geebus said:


> Its not possible - IMO


Then don't post in this thread, geebus...this is about a ratowner whose heart hurts, your opinion is not needed when all it does is hurt someone who is already hurting.


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## junior_j

Geebus back off!

Lilspaz i agree with you , i think ratties keep tabs on us even in there after life!

I know previous pets i have do come back to me in some way! 

Dont upset a hurt pet owner by saying that , keep your NEGATIVE opinions to urself!

Lucky sure did look like one happy and content little rat!
Jess x x (hug)


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

Well, I _thought_ that I was getting over Lucky...because I thought that Diva had gotten over her...so I was laying in my bed last night with the girls (Diva, her 4 daughters, and Eclaire), and I started missing Lucky. So I just whispered her name. Diva must have heard, because she came _running_ towards me, like "did you say Lucky? Is she back???" and she just stared at me, and I felt so _bad_. She just stood there staring at me, as if she expected Lucky to emerge since I called her name, and I of course had tears streaming down my face, telling Diva how sorry I was that Lucky isn't here anymore, and it was just awful. And then I had a dream about Lucky, where I went downstairs to get my girls, there was Lucky. In the same position I last saw her alive in. And I got her out for playtime. Unlike I did before. And she played with Diva, and it kind of all blurred together, but yet I still have images, frozen in my mind. I cried when I woke up, and I am crying now. I really should be over her by now, but it's just so hard...


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## junior_j

I am so sorry u are feeling this pain , 

Is this some thing you can do maybe frame a photo in her memory and have it where u can say it? this works for some but upsets others..
Jess x


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## lilspaz68

~ms_m_monroe~ said:


> I cried when I woke up, and I am crying now. I really should be over her by now, but it's just so hard...


When did your girly pass exactly? There's no time limit on grief...unless its becoming unhealthy then you have to try to work it out. BUT if you mention my rescue Gwinny girl to me, I tear up and she died on June 23, *2007* and she was only with me a week!.

I have lost a LOT of rats...over 43 deaths I believe, sometimes 2 at a time or several in a month. You would think I should be used to it, but I still cry at the vets as I am having them pts, or cry when they leave me at home. 

Do not feel badly for your tears, it shows the depth of love she inspired in you. ((hugs))


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

lilspaz68 said:


> ~ms_m_monroe~ said:
> 
> 
> 
> I cried when I woke up, and I am crying now. I really should be over her by now, but it's just so hard...
> 
> 
> 
> When did your girly pass exactly? There's no time limit on grief...unless its becoming unhealthy then you have to try to work it out. BUT if you mention my rescue Gwinny girl to me, I tear up and she died on June 23, *2007* and she was only with me a week!.
> 
> I have lost a LOT of rats...over 43 deaths I believe, sometimes 2 at a time or several in a month. You would think I should be used to it, but I still cry at the vets as I am having them pts, or cry when they leave me at home.
> 
> Do not feel badly for your tears, it shows the depth of love she inspired in you. ((hugs))
Click to expand...

She died on July 25th of this year... 
But the thing is, is that my brother died almost 3 years ago, and I didn't cry at all. And i've hardly cried since (i've cried at the most 5 or 6 times about him since he died). I usually handle death really well. I usually just suck it up, deal with it, and move on. But I am having a really hard time with Lucky for some reason...maybe because it was so frustrating...i've lost 3 pets within the past 3 months, and I am the type of girl who wants to save the world. And when I can't, it feels like a complete mockery...and i feel like i've failed. My parents are always telling me that I can't save everyone. But it's so **** frustrating, because I have this gift, where I know when people in my life are going to die. Like, I can't sit there and say oh your gonna die on this date, but if they are dying or are hurt, I know it. I knew when my brother was dying. Well, he was dying for over a year. But the morning that he died, I sat in the next room, and I could feel the room get colder, i could feel him dying. And when I was about 7 or 8, I knew after a visit in the nursing home that I would never see my great-grandma alive again, but no one would believe me. The next time we saw her was about a week later..at her funeral. 
If i would have just been able to know when Lucky was dying, I could have held her...I just wish I would have known, just so i could have told her that I loved her, just one more time...


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## lilspaz68

That was only a short time ago, let yourself grieve, if only on here where we all understand what you are feeling. Non-rat people don't always understand it. :roll:


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

lilspaz68 said:


> That was only a short time ago, let yourself grieve, if only on here where we all understand what you are feeling. Non-rat people don't always understand it. :roll:


See edit above... ^^


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

Here's a little something I made in memory of her...i think i'm gonna frame it....


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## Stace87

Aw that's lovely. You should definately frame it


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## lilspaz68

I lost my father to ALS and clamped down on my emotions so I could get thru the ordeal of the viewing, funeral etc...my work ripped me off and told me I could only have 3 days so I worked until the day before the Funeral and took the rest of the week off (should've been 5 days )

It took 8 years,a very special rats passing and a poem sent home by the vet clinic to help me find that particular release valve again.

Rats, no matter how much they love you, sometimes prefer to go on their own, they will hide their deaths from us at times. It was only this past Christmas that my rats started passing in my arms, before this I would miss it by minutes or even seconds.


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## ~ms_m_monroe~

lilspaz68 said:


> I lost my father to ALS and clamped down on my emotions so I could get thru the ordeal of the viewing, funeral etc...my work ripped me off and told me I could only have 3 days so I worked until the day before the Funeral and took the rest of the week off (should've been 5 days )
> 
> It took 8 years,a very special rats passing and a poem sent home by the vet clinic to help me find that particular release valve again.
> 
> Rats, no matter how much they love you, sometimes prefer to go on their own, they will hide their deaths from us at times. It was only this past Christmas that my rats started passing in my arms, before this I would miss it by minutes or even seconds.


I'm sorry about the loss of your father. My dad is dying from churg-strauss syndrome...a rare disease "only one in a million people get". Him and his identical twin brother (my uncle--they are the only family members ever recorded to both have this disease, but it makes sense: identical DNA.), will die from this disease. 
I shut my emotions down when I was 12, I locked them up and threw away the key. I am 19 now, and I have made myself untouchable. Nothing can hurt me, or so I tell people. My brother's death, my dad's diagnosis, other problems, they just get locked away too, so I don't have to deal with them. My pets are the only things I allow into my heart. Only they can touch me. Because they won't intentionally hurt me. And they love without limits. They love me, and I have no idea why. I don't even love myself. But yet, I can put my hand in any given rats cage, and have them all run up to me and start grooming me and trying to get closer to me. They can't understand my words, but they understand my pain, and my suffering. They lick away the tears that I cry when no one else is looking. And so when they die, it's like that part of my heart that they touched, dies too.
Lucky's death was especially hard...i'm going through a rough time in my life, and she was my joy. The only thing that could make me smile, without it hurting inside. Now that she's gone, so is the joy...
I miss her so much....


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