# My heart hurts so bad right now



## MimiSkye (Feb 3, 2014)

I lost one of my babies for the first time yesterday. She was my third rat out of 4. I can't believe how sad I am. I never saw this coming it was completely unexpected. I can't get over the guilt of not knowing and not being there to hold her when she passed. She had the kindest soul of any creature I have ever met on this planet. She was the only one of my rats that was closer to me than she was her cagemates. She would come running when I got home, and jump into my lap when I opened the cage doors. She would nap on my shoulder, and constantly kiss me. I thought she had OCD or something because she never stopped kissing. 

I can't help but feel like this was my fault. I know I could've done something.

Her name was Lulu, she was a dwarf rat. She was born with abnormal teeth, I had to trim them once every couple weeks. She wasn't able to eat her regular food so I would have to feed her soft foods. I must have done something wrong. I must have missed something. She showed no signs of being sick or anything. Two days before she passed we took this picture together:









I took the day off yesterday and could not stop crying. The only thing that helped was to fall asleep. I would wake up crying. Now I am at work and can't stop thinking about her. I've had this dark cloud over my head all day. I can't help but think of how alone she felt when she passed. I wasn't there for her. I can't stop thinking about how cold her little body was when I found her. She was always so warm. I can't stop thinking of all the things I could have done differently. 

But the worst feeling is knowing I will never get her back. No matter what. No matter how sweet my next rat will be, there is nothing in this world that can compare. I can't stop thinking about her next life and who she will be with. I don't want her with anyone else. I want her with me forever.

Putting her in the ground yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever done. After I buried her, I kept picking different flowers for about an hour. None of them were pretty enough. There is just a pile of flowers there now. 

I can't stop crying.


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## theRatGirl (Feb 25, 2015)

Im so sorry for your loss. Lulu seemed like such a great gal. I understand how you are feeling right now. Just remember that you will see Lulu again at the rainbow bridge. She is looking after you right now. 








Be strong for her.


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## lost_whisper (Nov 11, 2014)

I am so sorry. I know how it feels to lose a special animal. Of course I didn't know her but by the things you say I take it she was great.
I don't think it was your fault and it seems to me that apart from her size she might have had some underlying clinical conditions. I used to have a beautiful orange dwarf gerbil and she passed too young. Last year my dwarf cat died shortly after he turned 1 year, and even though I took him to the vet and treated his recurrent infections he just couldn't make it. I thought I was going to die when my sister called me to tell me she had found him cold. I wasn't there for him either.
Abnormally small animals often live short, and there's not much one can do. 
It seems that you really cared for your little beauty, and I'm sure that she loved you so much because she knew how hard you tried to keep her happy. It's sad that you couldn't be with her to say goodbye and hold her for the last time, but at least you spent lots of time with her and I know that she happily passed knowing that, and thinking of you.
Please take care of yourself and get well. Your other ratties need you.


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## Mojojuju (Nov 15, 2014)

She was a beauty. Don't beat yourself up, she had a wonderful life with a momma who loved her. 

I took three days off when I lost my sweet baby Fry. I know most people wouldn't understand doing that for a pet, but I do! I was a mess and couldn't get anything done but cry.

So sorry for your loss.


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## MimiSkye (Feb 3, 2014)

Thank you all so much. I've decided I am going to plant Chrysanthemums by her grave every year. I'm not sure if any of you are familiar, but there is a little kids book called Chrysanthemum about a little mouse who was picked on by her classmates because of her name. This reminds me of Lu because when I first introduced her to my other females, she would always get smacked around but still ran back to them and tried to snuggle up next to them. She was always sort of the oddball out of the group. Whenever they would cuddle up in the hammock she would have to climb ontop of everyone and weasel her way in. 

I'm also thinking about getting the cover tattooed on me somewhere. Although it's in memory of Lulu, the book has a lot of meaning to me.


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