# This is ridiculous - boyfriend vent



## Voltage (May 15, 2013)

So we never had an issue of hair on the bathroom counter before. Then my boyfriend moves in and after he starts shaving there are hairs everywhere. I confront him about this and he says they aren't his.... He is the ONLY person it could be from. My brother can not grow facial hair. Like not even peach fuzz. He has and never will have anything to shave. (we are mostly native American) and my step dad has his own bathroom to shave in. Zach claims he always puts down a towel. And says there is no way it's his hair. 
When I lived with him and his family except for him and his little brother her is way too young for facial hair, it was all women. And the bathroom counter was covered in little hairs.
Yet he denies them being his to the point where he gets extremely loud. I'm pissed he is lying to me about it. And now he isn't talking to me. He slammed his keyboard on his desk and screamed at me. There is freaking facial hair in my brush.
WHY is he lying about such an idiotic thing and getting ridiculously defensive about it. 
And like I'm also mad because his answer to 99% of my questions is "I don't know"
I could ask him what color the sky is and he would say that and get mad at me. 

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## Voltage (May 15, 2013)

Its morning now and he is still ignoring me. When I asked him if he was ignoring me despite him not answering anything I've said all morning he screamed, "I'M NOT IGNORING YOU"
I want to curl up and just keep crying.
In two hours we have to go to a restaurant with a friend who is... To say the least very odd and if anything messes up his plans he has a fit and I can't cancel and I can't not talk to Zach otherwise he'll flip and it's just a whole mess I want to avoid.
I don't know what to do. And Zach is going home for two weeks and I was scared he wasn't going to come back and I'm so sick of this that I almost don't want him to come back now. I'm so sick of him not telling me when something is wrong and for yelling at me because I asked a question. I don't know what to do. I don't know if i can handle being with someone who CAN NOT AND WILL NOT communicate with me

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## PaigeRose (Apr 12, 2013)

Communication is the biggest deal breaker in relationships. Everyone has their ups and downs, some more frequently than others, some higher some lower. But not communicating AT ALL is going to destroy any relationship quickly and violently. I hope things improve! Maybe the space will be good for you both. Maybe while hes gone, make a list of all the things you want to address with him and have a serious talk when he comes back?


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## anawelch (Sep 25, 2013)

If you cant communicate then theres no point to the relationship. What if a problem comes along that is waaay bigger then hairs on the sink? Plus if he lies about something that small and get extremely defensive about it then he probably has and will lie about much more important things.

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## relken0608 (Jul 11, 2013)

I agree with the others that being able to communicate effectively is key to a relationship. When me and my fiance have to talk about something difficult, we find it easier to "talk" in writing. We whip out a notebook and go one by one explaining both of our points of view. Email may work too, if you can both access a computer at the same time. This way there are no interruptions and I find it easier to fully express myself-and there's no yelling either. The second key to a successful relationship is being able to compromise. Even if they aren't his hairs, can he wipe them away if he sees them? And you'll do the same too. And you'll want to mention that you are seriously upset that he's unwilling to communicate with you. However this may just be the way he does it. A poor excuse, and you'll have to work him into talking more freely and less defensively, but still. Maybe he can't stand being blamed for something-whether its really his fault or not. Instead of asking to t clean "his" hairs, ask if he can clean "the" hairs. Or ask him to help (keyword!) You try and keep the bathroom all-around tidier, which isn't directly asking him to pick his hair up but would in effect get the job done. Best of luck to you 

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## Voltage (May 15, 2013)

I talked to my dad about it and he got mad and took Zach's side saying he probably doesn't know they are his hairs.
But I don't think bad communication is a deal breaker. I just get really mad sometimes.
He does communicate with me on big things though. I gotta make a second response in a bit gotta cook dinner

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## TNCraftyRat (Nov 13, 2013)

Well, when you spoke to him about the hairs did you approach him in an accusing way or have you tried a detective style here are my facts for why i think it was you? If your dad doesn't use the bathroom in question and your brother doesn't have anything to shave I really feel it is highly unlikely that you or any other women that may be in the house are hiking their legs up that high to shave. If you did go the "why did you leave hairs on the sink?" Then you could try apologizing for accusing him and then state the facts. He could be the type that doesn't like being accused even if he didn't, no one really likes that. He doesn't really sound like "Man" material just a immature boy. So coming from someone who has dated more a few few immature boys, one narcissist, and am madly in love with a Man who has ADHD if he leaves and doesn't come back then you will be ok. You will survive. There are lots of men not just boys who need someone to love. Oh and does he have any kind of disorder? I always have a hard time with my man till I learned more about ADHD and I realized that sometimes he can't help it and anything that seems like he is ignoring me or not interested is just him having a moment. So I tell him I love him and then leave him alone and he eventually comes back around.


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## Voltage (May 15, 2013)

TNCraftyRat said:


> Well, when you spoke to him about the hairs did you approach him in an accusing way or have you tried a detective style here are my facts for why i think it was you? If your dad doesn't use the bathroom in question and your brother doesn't have anything to shave I really feel it is highly unlikely that you or any other women that may be in the house are hiking their legs up that high to shave. If you did go the "why did you leave hairs on the sink?" Then you could try apologizing for accusing him and then state the facts. He could be the type that doesn't like being accused even if he didn't, no one really likes that. He doesn't really sound like "Man" material just a immature boy. So coming from someone who has dated more a few few immature boys, one narcissist, and am madly in love with a Man who has ADHD if he leaves and doesn't come back then you will be ok. You will survive. There are lots of men not just boys who need someone to love. Oh and does he have any kind of disorder? I always have a hard time with my man till I learned more about ADHD and I realized that sometimes he can't help it and anything that seems like he is ignoring me or not interested is just him having a moment. So I tell him I love him and then leave him alone and he eventually comes back around.
> 
> 
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He has an emotional disorder. I don't know what's its called but basically his mind is all over the place kinda like an ADHD person's but worse and focusing on something is the only thing that calms his mind and if you interrupt whatever he is focusing on he snaps. Which is pretty much most of the time. 
So like if he is playing one of his games or is on one of his forums if I try to talk to him he gets really mad. It's kinda hard to explain.
He is incredibly intelligent and can be a social freaking butterfly in public (I'm envious because I have anxiety issues and I can not talk to people) but when he is doing something if I don't leave him alone he gets really irritated.
Basically he spends most his time on the computer....
I pretty much walked in the room and said,." OMG your facial hairs are in my brush" 

I do have issues as well. I have ADHD, anxiety, depression issues and memory issues. I pretty much have a hard time being quiet. I talk A LOT and always have pointless things to say and crave attention and praise. But in public around people I don't know I pretty much won't talk. And sometimes trying to talk to people who are very "better than thou" I actually start crying. It's really embarrassing.
And then I can never remember what I tell people

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## Daize (Jun 8, 2013)

Voltage said:


> So we never had an issue of hair on the bathroom counter before. Then my boyfriend moves in and after he starts shaving there are hairs everywhere. I confront him about this and he says they aren't his.... He is the ONLY person it could be from. My brother can not grow facial hair. Like not even peach fuzz. He has and never will have anything to shave. (we are mostly native American) and my step dad has his own bathroom to shave in. Zach claims he always puts down a towel. And says there is no way it's his hair.
> When I lived with him and his family except for him and his little brother her is way too young for facial hair, it was all women. And the bathroom counter was covered in little hairs.
> Yet he denies them being his to the point where he gets extremely loud. I'm pissed he is lying to me about it. And now he isn't talking to me. He slammed his keyboard on his desk and screamed at me. There is freaking facial hair in my brush.
> WHY is he lying about such an idiotic thing and getting ridiculously defensive about it.
> ...


Men hate it when you point out the obvious. 

Sometimes it's more productive to simply clean up the hairs and say nothing. 

My husband leaves hairs on the counter too..... After a week of cleaning up after him. I figure he gets to wash my car. He thinks it's a fair trade. After all, washing cars is a "manly thing". Cleaning the bathroom counter...... is not.


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## Rat Daddy (Sep 25, 2011)

Leaving a relationship with someone I loved, but who had an emotional disorder I couldn't fix was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Almost 30 years later and it still makes me sad, but it's very likely the only reason I'm still alive. Keep in mind, you can't EVER fix anyone. You live with it or you don't. Sorry...

As to guys not communicating, I'm a guy and I'll tell you a secret... we shut up because we know there's no benefit to many conversations. We may not be too bright, but usually we know when a conversation is going to go somewhere we don't want to be.... or when anything you are going to say will just make things worse or you just don't know the right answer your lady wants to hear.

So the basic guy mantra is "Be like the noble snapping turtle!" Suck in head tail and feet and if anyone tries to crack your shell... snap fiercely at the air until the aggressor goes away! 

Yes, I realize that if your guy is being a turtle, it's going to be very hard to change him... the point being he doesn't want to change. In your case, he's fine leaving his hair on the counter, and likely he figures it's your job to clean it up, but if he says it out loud you might not thank him for his honesty and clean up after him. So he can't win, so why fight about it?

And by the way... I'm not saying he's right or your right... so please don't flame me for taking sides.... I'm just offering an explanation not a justification... 

Now sucking in my head, feet and tail and closing my shell while pressing "post quick reply"


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## Sylver (Sep 5, 2013)

lol, welcome to living with a male of the species. 

Pick your battles wisely, or you'll be at war your whole life. 

If you stay together, this little fight is going to seem very silly to you in just a matter of years. Realize that you are allowing hair, on a counter, to make you cry. 

More constructively though - people can be trained just like any animal, and just like any other animal, positive reinforcement works the best, while negative just shuts him down. I take it that raging at him has not made things any better, so try a different approach. 

Read this article. "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage" 
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Matter of fact, you should probably both read it. It still works if you know what's going on, and you'll still have a pretty pleasant relationship. There are bound to be things about you that drive him up the wall as well, comes with being a human. 

One thing I've noticed in being female, and in a long relationship - one of the biggest differences in the genders is what each will put up with. Put yourself in his shoes, and him in your shoes. Would you stay with anyone who came at you the way you did to him, regardless of what it was about? Men have a tendency to just take this, or just become defensive and clam up, but still pretty much take it. Most women, self included, would just up and leave someone who acted that way, regardless of what caused it. How do you think you might have made him feel, would you tolerate anyone else giving you the same feelings? 

You have to remember that you are supposed to be his partner, his equal, not his mother. If you have to be his mother, then he is not ready for a relationship, and you do NOT want to be his new mommy. Those kinds of guys suck, and they don't get better. But never go expecting anyone to be perfect, or fit perfectly into your ideals, or expect to mold someone into your ideals - no one will ever be perfect, and it is unfair to expect of anyone. Some hair on a bathroom counter is probably the very smallest hurdle you will ever have to go over - but if you stumble over this, how are you going to react when he leaves wet towels on the bed? Or feeds the kids chocolate before bed? Or sells the car and buys a motorcycle painted like a lady bug? Doesn't wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher? Washes whites with colors? Buys you a dress that is 5 sizes too big thinking it's going to fit perfectly? Accidentally insults your mother? 'Wins' the Nigerian Lottery? Joins an Erasure tribute band? Replaces your car battery with a potato? Shows up late to a fancy dinner wearing a Hawaiian shirt and cutoff jeans?

Men can be pretty ridiculous - no matter how old they are, there's still a little boy just under the surface. But again, they're your partner, they're on your team. Being on a team means that sometimes you have to pick up the slack for someone else, and they'll pick it up for you when you need it, too. If he does literally nothing for you that warrants it being OK to wipe up some hair once in awhile, then he's not worth keeping anyway. 

As you get older, he's not going to get any less hairy. It might migrate from his head to his back, but there will be more hair. In the bathroom sink, on your pillow, on your keyboard, randomly in your eye, everywhere. I can't complain too much about my husband's hair everywhere, because not only do we already have a cat, but I also have very long hair, and shed like mad. MY hair laying around is worse than his is, any day. Neither of us has much room to complain on that front.

As far as that article goes though, just like when training any animal - if you see him cleaning up after himself (or anything, anyone!), TREAT AND PRAISE! As long as it's not something unsafe, ignore the unwanted behaviors. If positive reinforcement doesn't work, negative most certainly will not.


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## Maddie (Jan 13, 2014)

Lol it's not just males that shut down without communication. I'm in a relationship with another woman and we've been together a good while. Like everyone else said you eventually learn to roll with it and little things like hair on the counter don't matter so much. It's good to also compromise. An example I do all the laundry. It doesn't matter if it's mine or hers I wash it and fold it all. She cooks the meals and cleans the kitchen. It doesn't matter which person made the most dishes. I clean the bathrooms, she mops the hard floors, I vacuum the carpets. See the pattern? Maybe decide which person I responsible for which chores. Communication is also key I agree.


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## Ergala (Jan 23, 2014)

After 10 years of marriage and fighting my husband and I are just now experiencing harmony. Guess what the secret was....communication. CALM communication. For example:

Me: Ben did you ever take the garbage can inside?
Ben: No, I will in a bit (goes back to video game with kids)
Me: You said that 2 hours ago....could you please go outside and get the garbage can before either the wind takes it or some yahoo speeding by hits it?
Ben: (raises voice) FINE! (makes a big to do of getting his boots and jacket on)
Me: I'm sorry Ben but is yelling and huffing really necessary?
Ben: YOU YELLED FIRST!
Me: .....How am I yelling?
Ben:......crap....I'm sorry. When you brought up me saying that I said I'd do it 2 hours ago I took it as you yelling. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.
Me: I'm sorry I did that, I was being snarky and gave you attitude.

He brought in the trash can. End of argument. We also go to church though and in our faith the husband absolutely helps the wife and in return I help him. I guess since we started going regularly it has taught us how to open up to each other and open the lines of communication instead of shutting down and yelling at each other. I feel my temper rising but I try to take a few deep breaths and remember that I will feel worse if I explode, not better. The hangover from a nasty argument is much worse than the hangover from a quick flare up that doesn't even have flames.


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## Voltage (May 15, 2013)

Lol I leave wet towels on the bed all the time. I actually go to bed with wet hair sometimes too.
I'm usually a very laid back person. I rarely yell or fight with anyone (unless they are my dad or brother) me and Zach rarely ever fight. But I have to vent a lot or I end up snapping and I get really mean when I do snap apparently. 
I don't want or need him to change. And I didn't yell at him. When I said OMG your facial hair is in my brush I was teasing him but when he lied about them being his and then overreacted when I stated why they could only be his I got upset.
And I cry pretty often about stuff. My brother brings me to tears almost every day with his making fun of me. It's an unusual day if I don't curl up in bed and cry at least once because of someone else or just me thinking about how pathetic I am.
Anyway Zach doesn't make a whole lot of messes. He mostly just stays in the room. I'm not gonna lie that bathroom hasn't even been clean since I cleaned it before I moved in with Zach. It's not disgusting just extremely dusty from a year of no use. I really didn't care about the hair.

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