# My sister is a mistress of an affair and it's killing our relationship



## ilovescience

I just need to rant about this.

So, my sister is having an affair with a married man.

The guy is nearly a decade older than her, met him at work.. They were friends at first, and have been friends for a couple years. She started sleeping with him roughly a year before he married his fiance last year, and she's still seeing him (in fact, she just returned from spending the past couple days with him). His wife knows and obviously, isn't happy about it, but the guy lies to her, so she thinks that they've stopped seeing each other. When my sister and I talked about it (we used to talk about _everything_), she said she knows it's wrong, but that it's also none of my business. Which, incidentally, is what my science bro (and close friend) said when I sought advice from him - that once I've made my opinion on the matter clear, she's an adult, it's her life and decision, and there isn't anything I can do about it.

The thing is, she was my best friend - we used to joke that we were twins, that she was just a year and a half late. You know the bond between siblings that seem so unreal outside of movies and stories (Fred & George (Harry Potter), Elric brothers (FMA), Dean & Sam (Supernatural), to name a few)... well, we used to have that. I've had my friends relay their envy of our relationship, as have my sister's friends.. But for the past few years, ever since she started having a "relationship" with him, she started lying and crafting deceptions.. she used to bring him to our apt when I was out at work, and I never found out about it until over a year later - and oh how utterly foolish I felt when I found out! There were blatant clues and hints slapping me in the face at times, but I blindingly trusted my sister. She's stopped bringing him to the apt since we've had a huge fight about it.. but our relationship has been deteriorating fast and I feel like there's nothing I can do.. She's changed so much since she's met him.. some for the better, but others for the much worse.

I absolutely loathe the guy, and honestly, I hate my sister a little for shattering our relationship of 24 years over a guy - and even more so, the fact that she doesn't seem to care much about it. I used to think it would just be a fling or a passing stage in her life.. But it's already been a couple years, now, and I'm beginning to wonder if I just have to face the realistic fact that I'll be losing a sister.


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## MaryLiz

I'm no expert on relationships or anything but I don't believe that you will permanently lose your sister... this man is using her, I do know that. Or they're using each other, or whatever the case is. Either way, he is married, and he married his current wife over your sister even though they were sleeping together. They will never have a healthy relationship, and eventually when everything goes to heck in a handbasket, you will still be there for your sister and he will not. When this happens you will just have to let her know that you still love her and that you're there for her. If she absolutely won't take sound advice, this may be all you can do for her.


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## delilahrene

I have a brother that struggles with addiction and poor life choices. I know it is not on the same level, but I understand how you feel when you know they are doing something wrong but they do not want to listen to you. Honestly, I have learned to sit back and let it happen. You cannot force anyone to view things the same way you do, and it just causes stress on everyone trying to change things out of your control. As MaryLiz said, make sure she knows that you will always be there for support, but I find it never helps to point out people's mistakes: they tend to get defensive. If you guys had a wonderful relationship, I believe that one day it will be resolved. I am sure she is missing you just as much, but when people get into these destructive cycles it is hard to escape and then they try and justify why they are doing it so that they are not miserable.


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## Charlottesmom

If my sister EVER took up with a married man I would have to rip her a new one!!! If kids were involved I would be espically vocal, if no kids were involved I would just let them implode. The husband very rarely ever leaves the wife but if he does good riddance. I feel bad for the wife, I've been in her shoes, it stinks to high heaven. So as not to have a stroke I will stop typing now....


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## rileys-mom

Nothing you say to your sister will mean anything if she's in love with this man and thinks he's in love with her. I would neither condemn nor approve of her relationship. Just be there for her when, and if, the bad ending eventually happens. We all do stupid things in life. No matter what she does, she is still your sister. Don't lose her over something that you really can't change.


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## nanashi7

I disagree with the sentiment that you should content yourself with being miserable so you can stand around and wait to be her fall back.

I'm a younger sister who bonded over strife with my elder sister, and now that everything is going great she doesn't much have time for me. Sure, I'll be there if she calls but I don't think I need to be her safety net. I told her upfront what she was doing to our relationship and she let it go anyway. I'll never let her down I love her, but I'm not a lost puppy to wait around for her.


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## ilovescience

Thank you all for responding. Nothing's changed so far. Just today, she told me rather definitively, "I'm not going to stop seeing him."

Charlottesmom: I am SO sorry. I feel absolutely *terrible* for the wife - she does NOT deserve this. The guy's still lying to her (that he had stopped seeing my sister), but considering my sister will spend 3 days (2 overnights) with him every now and then, I'm still confused as to how he manages to get away with that. 

She's even kicking me out of the condo we currently share.. I'll be moving out the middle of next month. Oh, she gave a bunch of BS reasons as to why she wanted to live alone, and I'm sure some of them are genuine to a certain extent. But I realized my sister has a tell when she's lying or hiding something, and I'd bet money on the #1 reason why she wants the place to herself.

It really infuriates me that he's got my little sis so tightly wrapped around his finger. Not that my sister's any less to blame - she's fully aware of what she's doing and have been the pushy one at times.


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## Jackie

I hope things will change for you.  It's sad that she doesn't respect herself enough to not be okay with being the "other woman" and of course not enough respect for his wife. 
What should happen is this jerk should have to make a choice. Either break it off with your sister or decide he wants to be with her and be honest with his wife. 

Somehow, some way this will end. She just needs to grow up a little bit and hopefully he won't be in her life much longer if he's a bad guy.


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## Charlottesmom

See this is where I'm confused, if this "man" ever made the decision to leave his wife and marry the mistress, how on the face of the Earth could she EVER trust him to not do the exact same thing to her? Ask her that........


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## gotchea

rileys-mom said:


> Nothing you say to your sister will mean anything if she's in love with this man and thinks he's in love with her. I would neither condemn nor approve of her relationship. Just be there for her when, and if, the bad ending eventually happens. We all do stupid things in life. No matter what she does, she is still your sister. Don't lose her over something that you really can't change.


I agree with rileys-mom. My sister has done a lot of things I do not approve of, and I've done A LOT of things she doesn't like. I wasn't really going to listen to her and she wasn't really going to listen to me. We do what we want. In the end it normally blows up in our face, but we felt we had to do it and we learn from it. If it makes you miserable, I'd just distance myself from the situation. But I'd be around when she calls. I wouldn't really tell her anything else except for my first opinion or if she asks.


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## abratforarat

YOU ARE LUCKY! YOU ARE SO SO LUCKY! Having such a relationship. But I'm really sorry she broke it like that!


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