# Temperamental Parents



## Serinidia

I would like to start off saying that my parents are not abusive. They simply lose their temper and crap happens. They were ok with my rats as long as they didn't do anything destructive. Last night Arya got free and in typical rat form chewed some stuff up. It was scary, how angry my parents were. My dad threw my sweet little Arya over the fence in our backyard saying that if he saw her again he would kill her in front of me. It was 20 something degrees last night. I managed to get Tyrion and Sansa to the rescue, a place where I know that they will be well taken care of. He smashed up my photography and art supplies, threw stuff around the my room and broke several things. I was shaking the entire time he was around and every time he came back upstairs. He tore apart the cage and smashed anything breakable inside it. I went looking for Arya this morning after everyone left but I couldn't find her. I don't want to be here but I don't have the money to go anywhere else. I don't know if this counts as a rant, I'm just upset, confused and scared. I'm a pleaser by nature, I avoid confrontations like the plague and it makes me really upset when someone isn't happy with me. I am still shaking with a knot in my stomach despite the fact that I have been alone for 3 hours now.


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## nanashi7

Place the cage outside for Arya with as much smelly stuff as you can. She cannot survive out there, she needs to be brought inside and warmed up (and I guess sent to the shelter too...poor Tyrion...)

Now, this is rough but.. YES, that is abuse. You need to talk to a school counselor or something soon. I was abused by my stepdad. The words still don't feel right to say, now nearly ten years later because we didn't know or consider it abuse until I finally went and talked to someone. If not, you need to get to a woman's shelter soon. It's hard, but if you don't someday it'll escalate. Trust me, that's what it took for me to go get help from a counselor...The ripples from that man's anger still rock my family today...
If you cannot accept that this man is abusing YOU, you at least must realize to us this man needs to be reported to animal cruelty...


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## Jess <3

First of all i want to say that i'm very sorry for what happened, that sound really awful. It wasn't your fault and really it wasn't Arya's fault either...she's a rat it's in her instincts to chew. If you can get your hands on some humane rat traps, set them all around the area that your dad threw your rat and put her favorite food inside. (Put paper and blankets in there as well in case she wanders in at night. She'll be looking for easily accessible food and i don't expect she wandered too far off becuase she'll be scared. I really would suggest going out and searching for her again. You're her human and if she's hiding in a bush or somewhere she'll probably run out to you at the sound of your voice. Sadly, she wont do well on her own so anything you can do to find her is vital. If you still have a cage or pet carrier she was familiar with then place it outside too, she might recognize it and run into it for safety. You could even sit outside and see if she comes. (you'll get distance from you parents as well)

Do you have a relative you can live with? A grandparent or aunt or uncle? If so they might allow you to take Sansa and Tyrion back from the shelter and live with them. 

Again, i'm very sorry for what's happened. I don't want to pass judgement but it was an awful thing for your father to do, especially throwing a domesticated rat into the wild. I hope she's not injured and that somehow you find her.


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## nanashi7

This is for spousal or domestic abuse, but I believe the questionnaire can still help. It's important to recognize that it is abuse; I myself struggled with it because I didn't feel like a victim I didn't want to be called a victim.. I also thought it was okay, because it wasn't all the time and they provided for me and were kind to me and allowed me to live in their house and eat their food and such..


SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Your Inner Thoughts and FeelingsYour Partner’s Belittling Behavior*Do you:*
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
*Does your partner:*
humiliate or yell at you?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
criticize you and put you down?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
feel emotionally numb or helpless? 
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or ThreatsYour Partner’s Controlling Behavior*Does your partner:*
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
*Does your partner:*
act excessively jealous and possessive?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
control where you go or what you do?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
force you to have sex?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
destroy your belongings?
constantly check up on you?


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## Serinidia

When I was 19 I ran away and managed to stay gone for an entire week. I was trying to find a shelter in South Carolina but ended up getting lost. My truck was almost out of gas so I decided to spend the night parked in a Church lot. The police found me and my parents dragged my butt home. I'm afraid that they would just find me again and drag me back with some kind of punishment. They aren't like this with my brother and sister, just me.


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## nanashi7

You cannot be dragged home legally over the age of 18. They do not own you. As long as you don't steal their property or seem to be a danger to yourself or others, you are free to go. 

Use google, find a shelter. Contact them and tell them your situation and that you are coming (or if you are going to grandparents/family/friend). Leave. If the cops attempt to retrieve you like a child, state your rights, why you're leaving and where you are headed. They have no legal right to return you once you are over 18 as you are no longer under your parents care.


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## Serinidia

The problem is that I'm submissive whenever someone uses a certain tone at me. When the police called my parents to say they had found me, they had me talk to them and my dad used that tone on me and it felt like I didn't have a choice. I've told my friends but they are all encouraging me to stay with, "It will get better." And I want to believe them, I'm extremely loyal for whatever reason to my family so I just.... give in?


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## nanashi7

I have this problem where if someone yells at me (no matter the reason) I begin to blubber. Thus, I give in preferring to bend than break.

Simply refuse it all. First off, try to make it there in one night (sleeping in parking lots isn't good, unless you are at a rest stop or are a truck). If not, tell the cops you will not and you are fleeing a dangerous situation and headed to a woman's shelter; don't talk to your parents, don't try to argue. Try to be legal and make it to the hills with your head down. Having the shelter expect you is good because it gives you a sense of obligation to go.

Remember that this is best for everyone, especially your poor pets...some shelters allow pets, by the way. No one has a right to destroy your stuff or terrorize you. You are not home somewhere a drop of a pin can shatter the safety.


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## Serinidia

I seriously might. The only thing holding me back right now is my dog and my brother. He is a senior in high school but doesn't even have a permit. He relies on me to get him everywhere and I feel like I'm just abandoning him if I leave. He wouldn't come with me, he's fine here. I'm going to look for Arya again shortly before I have to get my brother from school and take him to get a haircut. My parents keep calling the home phone to make sure I'm still there. I am afraid to miss a call so I can't go outside until then. There are hawks and cats in my neighborhood and I'm terrified that Arya is already dead.


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## nanashi7

the cage idea may honestly work, or humane traps. 

If your parents are really doing that, it is really controlling so they must know they've done something wrong. But if Arya is dead, it is on their hands.


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## Serinidia

They are and nanashi, thank you.


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## nanashi7

It's gonna be really scary, going through change. It's probably going to be really hard, too. More people than you know have gone through similar things and come back. It'll be okay, just make a list of things that you are doing this for. It'll be so much worse if you stay, especially if it escalates.
It's hard. I always felt like I was just a bad person, selfish and clearly wrong since I couldn't live with my own family without trouble. You have to find an anchor and tie yourself to it -- for Tyrion, who you were nursing better; For Arya, who suffered his rage for nothing.

You are (I am too) still young. You've got a life ahead of you unless you deny yourself it. These people will hold you down and in thirty years, you'll wonder where you are standing.


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## Gannyaan

Shelters are not that great/safe, depending on which one, so do your research for sure. Sleeping in parking lots isn't safe either... Any chance you can move out quickly ? What happened to arya was NOT your fault... I'm with Nanashi in placing the cage outside and checking it regularly....... Getting her warm will be really tough... Do your best, but whatever happens to her, just know you were a great owner, and that it wasn't you who did that to her.
I went through very similar things growing up, and ended up living with my aunt for a bit... It's hard to deal with people that aren't sadistic, they just "lose it". I understand you love your parents, but you're growing up, and it's time for them to cut the umbilical cord and for you to feel safe and not be mistreated. 
I'm really sorry this is happening to you.... I hope you find a solution... If you're a student, live on campus and get extra loans... If you work, then save and find a place... Either way, I believe you should get out. Whether its abuse or not abuse according to definitions doesn't matter As much as that they're clearly mistreating you and not respecting you. In certain cultures (mine!) it is normal for parents to be over protective, etc... but this doesn't make it right, and you need to "spread your wings", so to speak... You need to feel safe at home, comfortable and happy. 


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## Serinidia

I am not perfect, I have done a bunch of stupid things in the years past so I wasn't surprised he was angry, rather a bit shocked on how he handled the situation. I talked to friend who lives in the area and her mom called me to tell me that she would take me and Arya if I find her. I'm going to wait a little bit because my dad said he wanted to talk to me tonight. I will see what he has to say and see if things improve. I also want to wait long enough to be as sure as possible about Arya.


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## Jess <3

The best of luck with Arya, i hope everything turns out okay for you and i'm so glad you're friend's mum is willing to take you in. I'm not too sure what your dad could say at this point to salvage the situation but please don't let yourself be bullied into anything.


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## Serinidia

My mom had been ignoring me since she got home so when she yelled for me to get my butt downstairs I was thinking, 'Oh great, now what did I do?' She proceeded to yell for me to, "Get that disgusting creature out of my yard! Go take it somewhere far away!" I went out, excited for obvious reasons and peeked under the grill. Arya was looking back at me. I called for her and patted my leg and she ran over and scurried up onto my shoulder. She was shivering but for the most part ok. I quickly called my friend to let her know that Arya had been found and asked if she was home. She was so I left Arya on my shoulder as I drove over there. They had a box with water and towels ready for her and I was tempted to not go back home. I had my Arya, my truck and my friend/her mom. Needless to say I did end up going home, my brother needs a ride to practice so.. yeah Now to deal with my parents. ..


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## BlackBirdSeesYou

There's not really much I can say to help, but good luck Serinidia. You'll get through this.


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## Jess <3

You found her?! That's something at least! But please look after yourself, if things get bad again just get to your friends house, okay?


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## nanashi7

You could always play taxi while living at your friends. 


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## Gannyaan

Woot!!! You found her !!! .... Now, think about your situation  


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## Sylver

You start of saying that your parents are not abusive, because you know that's exactly what it looks like. Then you tell us how they emotionally and mentally abuse you, and physically abuse animals. 

That IS abusive. Every single thing you just explained. Don't ever think it is not, whether it's your parents or a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/employer/anything/anyone. That's how people wind up in years-long traps with people who make their life a living ****, all because "well, he's not always like that, he just loses his temper! I shouldn't have made him mad!" or "Well, he really is a good father, I just made him angry, he's not always like this, he'd never hurt the kids!"

It's not OK. It is the very definition of abuse. It will not get better. It might seem like it for a time, and you might think it is, until the next thing sets them off. 

You're over 18, they can't make you do anything or go anywhere. You didn't 'run away', you left. You're AN ADULT. You have EVERY RIGHT TO LEAVE. It's not easy to get out of abusive situations, but the earlier you do it, the easier it will be. 

I grew up in a very violent households. One right after another. It completely diminished in me the thing that makes me see people as people. I have anxiety and PTSD that only gets worse, year after year, even though I'm no longer in situations even close to those. I wasn't even the one being abused - it was just from watching my mom get beaten and berated day in, day out. Your siblings, even if they aren't abused the way you are, are also being subjected to it. 

You have to get out. Surf couches if you have to, til you can get a job, then an apartment/house, even if you have to have roommates. If the police come by, you have to be assertive for yourself and make sure that they are aware that you are an adult of sound mind and body, and your parents have no right to demand that the police fetch you for them. 

http://charlotte.craigslist.org/roo/ - rooms and shares, you can rent a room from someone without having to go through all the hassle and cost of immediately getting your own place. If you don't have a job now, get whatever one you can, as fast as you can. Friends tend to take better to having someone living with them when they're paying at least a little bit (or at least helping out around the house). Living will be tight, but it's every bit worth the effort, and it WILL get better and easier. 

You owe it to yourself to make yourself strong, confident, and assertive. Otherwise there will always, ALWAYS be someone looking to walk all over you, and what's to stop them? Get counseling if you can.


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## hiddenjumprope

I know how you feel, for the longest time I didn't think my mom and step-father were abusive. I already knew my dad was, but not my parents. 

The best thing I've ever done for myself was get out of that house and into a homeless program. 

I know you feel bad about your brother, but remember you are important too. Your brother will be fine, I'm sure he can find someone to drive him or find something else. Or if you live close enough pick him up and drive him. I know I became a much better sister after I left my toxic environment.


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## Serinidia

How did you get the guts to leave? Did they ever track you down?


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## Voltage

I agree with everyone else, everything about that sounds extremely abusive. Your stuff should not be destroyed as punishment and your pets should not be catapulted over fences. That is animal abuse as well. I'm so happy you found Arya. If you have to fear for your pet's safety something is clearly wrong.

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## Jess <3

What happened to staying with your friend? If you're worried about you parents dragging you back or have them confronting you then maybe you should send them a text or email explaining that what happened was not okay, that you shouldn't live in a home where you fear for your pets lives, where your possessions are destroyed and where you are yelled at and made to feel afraid. Tell them that you are over 18 and so are an adult and can leave if you want and then say they are not welcome on your friend's property. If they get the police to bring you back make sure you stand your ground and tell them your age and circumstances or if you get too anxious have your friend or her mother explain for you. You don't have to lose contact with your siblings. Though i don't think it is your responsibility to take your brother where he needs to be, you can still pick him up from wherever and drop him off just down the road from your house! 

I hope you manage to work this out and get somewhere safe.


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## hiddenjumprope

Serinidia said:


> How did you get the guts to leave? Did they ever track you down?


With my situation, my step-dad hated me and threaded to kick me out for awhile. My mom loves me but she's been threating to kick me out since Jr. High (though then it was sending me to my abusive fathers house to live). Though my mom would always take it back, and the one time I took her seriously she got really mad and said some messed up things. I changed my mind and stayed.

I finally reached out and got a therapist when I was suicidal. She helped me leave the situation by connecting me to the homeless program. My mom went along and wrote a letter saying I would be homeless, and said "this makes me seem like a horrible parrent!" Then a month before they took me in my step-dad kicked me out and my mom supported it. So I lived with my grandma and had to quit my job until I could go to the program.

They didn't "track" me down, I still talk to and visit them. Though at first I had to take a long break since my therapist noticed I regressed when I visited. I just try to keep some distance, my step-dad I don't really talk to but I talk to my mom. I just ignore her bullshit (well, try to). 

You're an adult, don't let them drag you back. Call the police if they try to. I know this is hard, if you want we can have a one-on-one chat if you send me your facebook or skype.


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## nanashi7

Serinidia said:


> How did you get the guts to leave? Did they ever track you down?


When my family finally left my stepfathers, it was due to the situation escalating to my sister attempting suicide and me being physically harmed beyond what's acceptable all in the same week. 
My mother didn't want to go, and often mett with him behind our backs. I got a restraining order and we had to go. I never contacted him or responded to any attempts of reconciliation. I cried easily back then and bent more. I had to keep saying, "I am a rock. " as a mantra to keep strong. I relied on my friends and their families strongly. 


Our situation started like yours. He'd het angry and shout a lot. It got a little stranger when he started throwing our stuff out and punishing us. Then it got corporal. We grew up in a household with an absent mother, so we never knew some of this stuff wasn't okay. He once burned my sister on the oven for failing to scrub it clean, she bears the mark today. I got off easy, I have a bald spot where he ripped my hair out for standing in his way to protect my sister. 


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## wafflesmom

My mom's first husband was an abusive alcoholic. He once threatened to throw her parakeet cage into the river. She also knew someone who's husband threw their dog against the wall in a fit of rage. She always told me you can tell exactly what kind of person someone is by how they treat animals. You and your brother need to get out and get help. I am so sorry for your furbabies and for how your parents are making you feel. That isn't being a parent.


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## Hey-Fay

I just read this thread and I am so relieved and glad you found her. I was in that same situation as a child and teenager, my mum never did anything to hurt me and put herself in harm's way to make sure I stayed safe. My father on the other hand could not live in the same house with me and constantly yelled and verbly abused me. That finally stopped because I stood up to him, dared him to hit me and told him that once i woke up from that punch I WOULD beat the ever lovin snot out of him. When he yelled i yelled. If he threw things I threw them right back. I became viscous towards him, told him exactly what i would do and what i would not put up with. I now live in Michigan with my husband of seven years while he lives in NC with the rest of my family. now we have a wonderful relationship and I love him to death. I've had a long life of abuse and that is something I will never tolerate again. I got so mad when I read your posts, I'm not a religious person but i pray that you and your rats find sanctuary. I'm rooting for you all.


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## Melanie

Reading this thread with tears in my eyes- so glad you found Arya but so, so sad at how you are still being treated. Please think seriously about getting out of there, I understand you wanting to be there for your brother but one, very important way you could do that is by showing him that the way you have been treated by your parents is completely unacceptable. Is it possible that you could stay with your friend and still take him places?


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## Icarus

I come from an abusive past. My father was physically and emotionally abusive towards my mother, my brother and myself. Being boys, my brother and I never really reached out for help because we felt that It made us look weak. We were not allowed to cry or show any emotions growing up. When I was 16 I ran away from home and couch surfed until my parents got a divorce. My mother is now a happy healthy woman, and none of us (besides my sister) have contact with my father. My advice would be to leave. Get as far away from that situation as possible. You are an adult and there is nothing they can do to stop you. After you leave you will realize how unhappy you were and how amazing it is to be on your own. It is an awful feeling, to be afraid in your own home. Please leave, for yourself and for your animals. No one deserves to be treated that way and to live in fear.


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## Rat Daddy

Make sure you are safe, then think through your situation. Try to talk to your parents calmly and rationally... Keep one thing in mind... you are 19 and you aren't a child anymore, you are now a "guest" in your parent's house. I know that just seems wrong, but it's pretty much how it works... They aren't "responsible" for you any more.

If you can't live with your parent's rules or negotiate a suitable truce, your option is to move out. Even if you all love each other that doesn't mean you can live together. This is a very complicated decision both emotionally and financially and often there are no easy answers, so I'm not going to offer any advise...


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## Ratbag

I can only back up what everyone else has said, you must find the means of getting out of your parent's home.

I was horrified by what your father did to Arya. So glad she was found and I hope she recovers from her ordeal with no ill effect.

(((Hugs)))


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## Serinidia

I made my Dad sign the truck over to me, that way he can't get me arrested for possession of stolen property or whatever. I am now a few towns over and I've already talked myself into a job. I'm not staying with anyone at the moment, I don't want any of my friends to find themselves in the ramifications of what I chose to do. I will keep you guys updated!


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## nanashi7

That sounds awesome! How're you doing? Did they understand why you left? Are you staying somewhere safe?


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## Serinidia

I'm tired and a wee bit stressed but I have a job at a Hampton Inn. Manager is pretty awesome and I think that if I work hard enough he might let me stay in one of the rooms that are a bit smaller/less convenient for customers


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## Jess <3

That's great, i'm so happy you managed to get out there and well done on finding a job so fast! What's the situation with Arya, Tyrion and Sansa like now?


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## Serinidia

Arya is at a friend's place, being spoiled rotten. I tried to get her to take Sansa as well but she is a bit hesitant seeing as she hasn't ever had a rat before. No news on Tyrion.


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## Jess <3

That's understandable i guess but maybe just explain how much happier rats are when kept together! My best wishes for Tyrion.


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## Gannyaan

Mega proud of you for taking control of your life ! If you ever need to talk , I'm sure many of us would be happy to be a shoulder or offer advice. Great job with the car btw! I believe it will also help you to build good credit if you're still making payments ... Which is an important thing to start building . If you ever need any advice about how to start on your own, I'm here. 
You CAN do this!!!!! 


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## Maddie

I'm glad you were able to try and improve your situation. I haven't posted here, but I've kept up with/read through your situation. I understand how hard it can be to leave an abusive situation. To keep things short my dad has/ always will be a very awful person to deal with. It's hard when you're in that age because technically you're not a child and they are allowing you to live in their home. It's also extremely difficult when you want to get away but don't have the funds available. I moved away when I was a bit older than you and had the money. Leaving was hard and scary because it was well known I couldn't come back after my dad tried to slam my face into my car hood. I will say my life has been all the better for it. I actually just live a mile away from them now and I'm still subject to some of the crap but notice before as not in my home. I hope you're able to get a room at your work to stay at. It saddening that you're unable to keep your babies but at least they have somewhere to stay. Be strong and know you're making improvements for your own survival. I wish you all the luck. It will be hard but don't give up. It's worth it in the end.


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## Serinidia

I must have proved my merit today. I now have a place to stay  And I am currently working on getting a second job so that I can pay for the room as soon as possible. He has given me two weeks free and until I'm financially stable enough he will charge me at discounted price. Which means I can shower and look good for my jobs.

I might even get to bring Tyrion back under my wing. I told the manager everything and he said that as long as there isn't a smell and the guests don't see him he will let me have him and possibly even my girls. I don't think I have ever been so happy!


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## nanashi7

Go you! I'm sure Tyrion would love to be back with you; you could leave Sansa with Arya until you get a system down. This is a lot of change, but now you have opportunities aplenty. 


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## BlackBirdSeesYou

Yeah, so happy to hear you're doing good.


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## Hey-Fay

I am so happy and proud of you!!! I did a little girly squeal and a happy jig when I read this! Keep us updated on everything, you and your ratties are in my thoughts.


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## Serinidia

Just got back from seeing my fuzzies 

Sansa looks a bit stressed but one of the people I work with said that she would take her home where it is much quieter. Tyrion will be going to the same home. I called for him and my little fella managed to hobble awkwardly over to me. They said it was the first time they'd seen or heard either of them brux. Sansa's eyes were boggling XP. I wanted to take them with me so bay but I know they are better off where they are. Then I went to my friend's house and got to visit with Arya. She was in the other room but came doing that boundy leapy run thingy that rats do when I called her. She looks great, a tad bit fat actually XP

I'm glad I named my rats the way I did.

Tyrion Lannister is such a sharp minded character and is loyal as well as clever, much like my baby boy. He is also a fighter when it comes down to it.

Sansa Stark is the calmer of the Stark sisters and has red hair. My Sansa has a pretty red tinted coat with lovely ruby eyes. She takes treats like a lady and always keeps her nest neat.

Arya Stark is a wild child, strong and sharp witted she has gotten through many horrifying things in the show. My Arya is quite the explorer, and as the past week has shown, is quite resilient.

I'm so glad I bought feeder rats. I've never had a sweeter more loving mischief.

Work is good, tiring but I am so lucky to have landed as a part of the family in this hotel


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## hiddenjumprope

I am so happy you got yourself out!!! Great job


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## Sylver

Good for you getting out. Really! That's so hard for people to do. And now you've got a ride and a place to stay and an income, you're on your way! Just keep working as hard as you can, and it sounds like you'll be fine. Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of going back under any belief that anything would be better/different - it wouldn't be. But you shouldn't need to now anyway, you're out making your own way in life. Good job, girl. Stay resilient.


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## TNCraftyRat

Yeah! Everything is slowly getting better for you. I know it is hard but you can do it. I hope that you will be able to get your babies back but if not them I doubt you will be without rats for too long. Best of luck. 


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