# I'm trapped in my own house.



## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

I'm so sorry - I'll sound line a whiny little female dog and I'm sorry. But I'm literally trapped here and I don't know what to do anymore and I'm hoping maybe someone here knows what to do.

I live in the middle of nowhere. I am 18. We have lived in the same house for my entire life, and all my life, I've struggled with anxiety and depression. I've had thoughts of running away since I was eight, even going so far in the past as to tell my mother I was keeping aloe plants because if I wanted to they could kill me. She told me fine, go ahead, she wouldn't care. But I've always been afraid of my mother. I am very skittish by nature, and she followed the philosophy of spare the rod spoil the child. I'm afraid whenever anyone even raises a hand to me - my friends all used to laugh and call it a game to wave their hands in front of me until I wanted to cry.

But, then, it got better! Through senior (last) year and up until school ended... it was wonderful. She acted like she loved me, and of course I love her - she's my mother! But... it all started going sour and weird when we started planning for my graduation party. Now, my school's colors are purple and gold. For the record, I absolutely hate gold as a party color. So, I suggested we switch the party to purple and white or purple and black - as black is the typical graduation color and white is the third "backup color" for many schools. She went absolutely ballistic and threatened to send me home and then proceeded to say that it was _her_ party and that I didn't get a single bleeping say. She got so upset with me she threatened to take me home for being "disrespectful", but then when we went to Party City she kept asking my opinion on stuff and I felt kind of strange so I told her to just pick what she wanted. She got all sweet as sugar and said, "but it's your party, sweetie!". 

Fast forward to now.

I, as I said, live in the middle of nowhere. My mother will not let me drive. She won't teach me. She won't let others teach me. She keeps blaming me for not having a driver's license, and when I ask her to teach me, she's always too busy. She always screams at me for being lazy and irresponsible because I don't have my license yet - but I'm in a state where you have to be 21 in order to teach someone how to drive, not just have your driver's license. 

The other day, mom told me if I got dad's permission to go pick up a rescue rattie who really needed a home, I could do it (he would have to come, of course). So, I went and asked dad, and he said it was okay after a little convincing. So, I went and asked mom where the place was we were meeting the rescue lady (it was an exit we were talking about, my dad and I, but we weren't sure of the number) and she went absolutely ballistic. She pushed her chair back and stormed downstairs and yelled to my dad, "what did she tell you?!" and he said, "i don't think it's a good idea". He always does this. He's afraid of her too, so I can't blame him. But it upset me, so I told my mother to stop bullying my father. She snickered at me and turned back to my dad and said "yeah, bullying you." before storming back upstairs again. I followed her and asked for an explanation of why she changed her mind so drastically, standing in the doorway of the computer room, and she ran over and told me if I asked again she would hit me (actually swinging at me, but she stopped just before she smacked me to point at me). She said if I even came near her for the rest of the night she'd beat me.

She always tells me that I owe her my life (which, I kind of do, I'm adopted), and calls me her little slave and makes me do almost all the housekeeping tasks (which I don't mind, since I'm in the middle of nowhere and she won't take me anywhere or let me go anywhere), then demeans me and belittles me over every single thing I don't do perfectly. Today, I cleaned the entire downstairs - not because she told me to, but because it needed it - and also called someone (for those of you who don't know, I have the worst phone anxiety ever. I've literally been dreading it for a week) about the work study program and went online and filled out all the paperwork! It's not like I wasn't doing anything - but I forgot to put the meat away that was thawing because I was on the entire other side of the house. She got home and immediately started yelling at me for not calling the driving school (what? Where did that even come from?) and not putting the meat away... not even caring that I cleaned everything that she would've had to.

But the most troubling thing is that she's put her name on all my bank accounts. She has control of all my money. She won't let me take my money for anything. She says that I don't own anything, and that if I leave she'll take everything and make me move out naked. She also said that, because I got my money from other people (birthday gifts, grad. gifts, etc) that I don't own anything even if I purchased it myself. My laptop was bought with my graduation party money for college, and she says it doesn't belong to me, it belongs to her.

I don't have any friends, except for one, and I've already asked her for help - her parents won't help me. My girlfriend lives in Oklahoma, and I could move down there... but it would mean putting off my college education by a whole semester and also losing all the classes and such I have paid for now. I just don't think I can take it anymore. I haven't been so depressed in awhile. Last night it took all my energy just to let my little ratties go and free range. I... can't do this for much longer?

Please, any suggestions would be fabulous. I'm so sorry for being a whiny little brat. It's just really tough. And it's not my mom's fault, she can be really sweet sometimes... we just don't click very well, I guess? I'm sorry this is so long.


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## DustyRat (Jul 9, 2012)

Based solely on what you wrote, your mother is suffering from a mental disorder. My mother also had an undiagnosed mental disorder, facilities for mental disorders in the 1960s and 1970s were basically non-existant when I was growing up. I had it rough too. I would suggest moving out like you said. Better to loose some cash and a year at school than to loose your mind. Depression like what you are mentioning can quickly descend to a suicidal situation. Before that happens I would get out as soon as you can.


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## nanashi7 (Jun 5, 2013)

These situations aren't right, but they're made to feel tht way. Growing up, I never realized the way my family was was technically "abusive". And when I started to realize that, I started blaming myself. I mean, statistically they say if everyone you meet is an ******* then the real ass is you right? It took a long time to start thinking that way. I still slip up every now and then, and I'm 22 in November. The truth is just that my family isn't right. And that's not my fault, and it doesn't mean that I'm somehow also WRONG. This doesn't mean I don't love my mom, or my dad, or my sister. It just means that our relationship just can't be normal. And after all this, I wouldn't want it to either. When I was 13, I finally tried to grow a spine with my mother and she kicked me out with no back up plan. I had a plane ticket and my dog. At 22, we are living together. I set boundaries and we do okay. Sometimes it makes me cringe and grates but I grin and bear it. That's just how we have to go.

I was just like you I had told my family as discreetly or otherwise that I was suicidal and they didn't care. My anxiety was sky high and my self worth was rock bottom. It didn't take much to push me over the edge, just a nudge. Pretty soon, I was cutting daily just to make it through and abusing sleeping medicine just so I didn't have to deal with the day. Clearly, I didn't make friends and I didn't succeed in school. I let the idea that I owned nothing and was somehow a defective failure that had to compensate for my mere existence rule my life. Boy, it got tiring to somehow compensate for the evil I brought to the world and that made me attempt suicide several times.

But here's my advice. Get out. Start saying you need to get X or Y and then when you check out request $20 cash back, slowly start draining your bank account and HIDE THAT MONEY. Set a goal and put your ducks in a row. So youre stuck there for this semester, arrange January to be with your girlfriend and transfer your credits to that school. Put it on a sticky note and just remember you are getting out. I wouldn't bring it up except in mentioning that you've found this really great school that seems to fit better with your interests.. You've got to get out before you can heal. Right now, they're like a knife still cutting into you and you cant possible close the wound until it's out.

When you get out, find mental health help. I have terrible anxiety to the point where, at 22, I have no friends other than my Ex and my nieces (5 and 7...). I let it go and let it go, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. My sister had to call for my doctor appointment and i can never go to new stores or gas stations and talk to people. It's bad. Most counties have free mental health if you have little to no income, but you will have to cover prescription costs.


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

I actually got mental health help - because my mother finally let me go into the doctor's by myself (at 18 no less, and I had to beg and plead and yell for it) and I was prescribed lexapro. It helped a lot... but now with mom acting like this, it's not helping as much. Of course medicines aren't be-all end-all, but I thought I couldn't feel this low again. I have a prescription for 3 months with 3 refills left, so if I left, I'd be set for at least a little while. The hiding money thing would be a good idea... but I don't have my own room. Mom sleeps in my room some nights, and I sleep on the couch. The only area I own in the whole world is the couch. That's it. That's the only place no one else sits on or messes with that's mine. And there's no place to safely hide money here.

My girlfriend and I are considering moving me out there - I'm just wondering, what is considered theft? I wouldn't take my car - couldn't take my car - but... if I took my laptop, my phone (though she'd certainly shut it off), clothes, my Social Security Card, and my rats, would I be stealing anything of hers? She knows my SS number by heart, though...

Also, if you drop out of a semester at college but go back the next semester, does federal funding go away forever? I know they pay for 13 semesters, but is that forever or? That's all I'm worried about is losing that funding.


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## EmilyGPK (Jul 7, 2014)

From the graduation party I assume you are now planning what to do after leaving school? Because those plans will affect the extent to which you need to remain under your mother's control.


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

I'm already out of highschool and college starts in 7 days. It was all paid for by my money & one little loan. I don't have a place to stay right now besides here, because I don't have a license and because I don't have a license I don't have a job, etc.


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## nanashi7 (Jun 5, 2013)

Unenroll before classes start if they haven't, or within a week or two. That should cancel your aid and not count against you. 

The only thing you could steal is something that is HERS. Anything she bought FOR you is YOURS. You can talk to the local PD to ensure you are within your rights. As long as you are not in a contract to pay back anything, then it is yours to take. Your laptop, your money, your rats, your cage, your SSC, your birth certificate. The phone may be iffy which is why I would suggest it be a smiling exit versus a screaming one. If you can however temporarily get her on board for this, then you run and don't look back.

You can get a new bank account and electronically transfer the money but if her name is on the account she may be able to dispute that.


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

I think we've decided that I'll do a semester just to get my credits since I'm already here. And then when this semester is over I'll be moving in with her. Does anyone have any suggestions on what way to travel? I think bus would be the cheapest (it says $109) but I can't take my rats if I decide to travel that way.


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## EmilyGPK (Jul 7, 2014)

So you are planning to attend college while living at home. How are you going to classes? Have you investigated scholarships? If you move what would be your plan for income or continuing your studies?


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

Mom says she'll take me to and from college :/ She won't teach me how to drive.

I have not investigated scholarships because I don't qualify for anything.


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## EmilyGPK (Jul 7, 2014)

Being driven to and from sounds like an unreliable plan under the circumstances. How far is it? You can get a scooter in many states without a license.

Back in my dorm worker days I found many people who thought they did not qualify actually did. A lot of scholarships are based on soft criteria like planning to get into a service career.

Speaking of which I got the dorm job because I needed free room and board near campus.


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

I live very, very far from the college. A scooter would take me hours upon hours to get there. Also, I don't because I live in an area where scholarships are very sparse. I'm also from a middle class family that's too rich for much financial aid or for scholarships but too poor to actually pay for college. So. :/


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## EmilyGPK (Jul 7, 2014)

How far? Because it sounds like being driven that distance for every class might be unrealistic too.

And I don't mean to labor it but scholarships are not all regional and not all means tested. If the university has a scholarships office it costs you only a few minutes to call and ask them if any might be open to you. Having even a small income makes a big difference. Alternatively you could take a loan. Not ideal but an option. And the more options you consider the better chance you have of finding a good one.


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

The furthest part of the campus is 23.1 miles from my house. Perfectly practical for a car, not so much for a scooter. It doesn't seem far but I live literally on a mountain and a scooter just isn't practical for all the mountains/hills around here.

Also, I'm not worried about the money - my semester here is already paid for.


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## nanashi7 (Jun 5, 2013)

She's gonna get real tired of driving you real fast. Low attendance will mean you fail, so that is something you want to consider. Otherwise, if you are waiting to move I would start slowly sending stuff to her. Summer clothes, books you love but won't read in the next couple of months, etc. 

I would talk to the bus CO. because you should be able to travel with pets in a carrier. But for $109 you should be able to snag a one way ticket on a plane which would be quicker, and pay extra to have them in Cargo.


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## bloomington bob (Mar 25, 2014)

I would also suggest contacting a legal aid society to see if they can help you gain control over your money.


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## Pandorascaisse (Mar 12, 2014)

Nanashi- that is an EXCELLENT idea! I hadn't even thought of that. She'll be getting a PO box soon, so I'll be sure to do that. Also, one-way tickets from my closest airport to her closest airport are about $240 for the time I want to/can leave, unfortunately.


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## lovemyfurries (Aug 13, 2014)

I really feel for you. I know you love your mom but she is being totally manipulative and emotionally abusive. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder so I know first hand how difficult it is to make those calls and stand up for yourself. I once had a counselor I had to contact, I would just look at the number everyday, it literally took me months to work up the courage to call. Bottom line though is this is no way to live. Your depression is going to get worse if you don't try and put plans in place. If your computer was bought for you with graduation money, that makes it yours. Anything that's given you is yours therefore not stealing. If your money is in your moms name and you have no access to it I'm not sure you can do anything about that but are there no agencies or free legal aid or something that can help? I know it's finding out getting there and working up the courage to say something. I woke up when I turned 40 and decided I was an adult now! Left an abusive husband who put me down every chance he got, abused me physically, sexually and emotionally for years but I didn't think I deserved better. I also have a daughter who is slightly brain damaged. ITS NOT EASY AND WE DONT ALWAYS KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN BUT WE HAVE TO LOOK AFTER OURSELVES. We are NOT doormats. Try just focus and do one thing at a time, write it down and cross it off when it happens even if it's just standing up for yourself. It will empower you. I'm sure there are many here who are willing to talk online or message. It helps knowing you have someone to talk to.


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## wadefarrow (Aug 7, 2014)

Your mother sounds bipolar, my mother was bipolar and tore our family apart when I was in jr. high and high school. My mom was eventually hospitalized while they figured out what medications would work for her and she is a lot better now. On top of that she sounds like a terrible person! First, you don't owe her your life! She chose to adopt you!!! you are not a slave or a pet or anything else, you are a human being and a person, who just so happens to be an adult so the ball is in your court now. If I were you I would get a different account and put your money in the separate account. Gifts given to you are also not hers, they are yours! All in all you are not in a good situation and you should work on getting out of it. It may be difficult given the fact that you cant drive yet, but it would definitely help. I would definitely stay in school though as that will be your ticket to independence. You definitely don't deserve to be treated like that, and while the process of moving out and becoming independent may take some time and will definitely be a challenge, it will also be rewarding and make you feel a lot better. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do and hope that your situation improves drastically.


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## xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Aug 25, 2014)

You are going to have to fight for your independence and refuse to let her have any power over you whatsoever. If that means calling the cops so you can move out with at least some of your belongings, so be it. You need freedom from her. You need to be independent and self reliant so you can gain the confidence she is sucking right out of you.. On purpose. You don't owe her your life. That is ridiculous. Sure, you were adopted, and that (under normal circumstances) is great, but in this case she should have backed off and let a more acceptable, non-abusive parent raise you.And shame in your father for not standing up for you and protecting you. He is just as much at fault for doing nothing in his passiveness. I know you may not want to hear that but you need to know he is partly responsible so he will not be the one keeping you there because you feel sorry for him. Do not.As far as the bank accounts, go to the bank (as you don't want to call) and ask them about removing her from the accounts. If you can't, you can't. But it is worth a shot. If you can't.. Remove yourself, and open your own account instead.As far as learning how to drive, time to use living out in the middle of nowhere to your advantage and teach yourself. While she sleeps if you need to.I'm serious, you have to wrench free from this woman. Only then will you be able to happily be you, in time.


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## Lamb (Aug 31, 2014)

Oh man, I'm so sorry. 
I agree with wadefarrow in that it does sound like she has bipolar disorder or something like it. I have it myself and it was **** for everyone around me (and myself) before I got it treated. I did all sorts of nasty things that I regret, some things I can never make up for. Sometimes it was like I was trapped in some sort of creature doing and saying.. nasty stuff, and there was nothing I could do to stop it (that was only when I was lucid enough to actually be aware that what was happening wasn't what I wanted to happen). It took a huge revelation for me to realize that I needed help, but it's so hard for people to realize that they need help and that what they're doing is not.. what they want to be doing, if that makes any sense.
I hope you can get out of that situation as soon as possible so you can work on healing yourself, you know?
Best of luck.


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