# Feeling angry for a probably silly reason



## Finnebon (Jul 15, 2013)

My fiance and I spent hundreds of dollars on gas, hotel, a wedding gift etc. to drive up two states to attend my cousin's wedding. We brought my two megacolon babies who need to be given special care, and my heart-rat Bijou who had to be monitored because of a badly placed tumor. She always had a little lung scarring and a little snoring occasionally, but otherwise seemed happy and healthy. I always think she could have lived to be older than 3. Driving through about 1 state was almost entirely through forest fire smoke. We stayed the night halfway up, and very early that next morning, Bijou was gasping for air and needed to be taken to an emergency vet to be put to sleep. That was two months ago, and I still grieve for her. If there are animal soul mates, she was it. I had to put off my mourning temporarily in order to attend the wedding without a puffy tear stained face, but the night after the wedding I had one of my first big breakdowns. It was an awful trip and I was devastated..

I usually don't care too much about formalities, but we never received even a "Thank you" card. They also never sent us a wedding invitation and just assumed I would be coming because I was family. I feel like it's a very silly thing to be angry about, but because of all that it cost me, mainly my Bijou, I'm feeling really bitter and upset about not even getting acknoledgement for the efforts to be there. It's getting harder and harder to like ANY of my family anymore..

I just had to vet this somewhere..


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## Kelsbels (Aug 12, 2015)

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You'd hope that people would be more considerate, but alas not everyone is. Unfortunately even family members tend to overlook the time/money commitments. It's a shame that you ended up losing little Bijou in the process.

I know the annoyance of inconsideration. I had a friend who commissioned me to make wedding invitations. I decided I'd design them for free as a wedding gift from me (I rarely do this). This friend never sent me the printed invitation. I wouldn't have been able to go because flying to the US is pricey, but at least send me the invitation I made! Also my close relative never formally invited me to their wedding, or even invited me to be apart of the wedding, and they were betting on me coming (this is also to the US). Oh well I've made my own faux pas in the past so I guess it evens out.


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## Daize (Jun 8, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss. Many people don't understand how anyone could feel such love for a rat. For those of us that have them and love them, it's like losing a child when they pass.

As far as the wedding..... Well, it was their day. For that day, they probably didn't want or need to acknowledge your loss. For them, the passing of your beloved Bijou just wasn't important. 

Still, once their day was over, I'm guessing it was a wonderful day for them. They should have taken a minute to express how happy they were that you attended their wedding. They should also have expressed sorrow for the loss of Bijou. Even if rats aren't important to them, they should have felt/known how important Bijou was to you. I'm sure they could see how hard you were taking the loss, but you still tried to keep a happy attitude for their wedding. To totally ignore your feelings was a bit cold. 

Sometimes it takes a while for people to get out the "thank you" notes..... Still, by now, I think a phone call was in order. Just to make sure that you got home safely and were doing alright. A simple phone call would only have taken a few minutes out of their lives...... I personally think they were being a bit "cold" about the whole situation.


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## Rat Daddy (Sep 25, 2011)

Formalities are nice, usually when they happen you wind up taking them for granted, when they don't sometimes you feel slighted... But everybody sees formalities differently... 

I suppose years ago I got more offended more easily... Now, I tend to try and make sure that people are intentionally offending me. Over the years, I've lost my own share of friendships because I unintentionally offended someone. I suppose just like everyone else, I get caught up in my own stuff and don't think about other people.... that doesn't mean that I don't like them or want to offend them... With my own things going on... most of the time... I didn't even think that I was upsetting someone else. And I suppose because I'm not easily upset, I just assume that other people aren't either.

I realize your trip started out with good intentions and it turned into a train wreck of sorts, but you know your family members didn't plan it that way or expect the hardships you encountered. They certainly didn't start the forest fire... so I suppose you can't really expect them to apologize for what happened. 

I understand the way you feel, it's normal to be sad when you lose a best friend, and it's normal to feel angry and need to feel angry at someone... But from someone that actually distanced himself from family members that upset him... instead of having a meaningful conversation... take it from me... it didn't do any good and caused more hard feelings than it was worth. Yes they really hurt my feelings... but in the end, years later... I don't think they knew what they were doing at the time. So now that they have passed away, I can't fix the relationship, but I can regret the phone call I never made to work things out. I suppose if on that call they confirmed that they really wanted to hurt me... that would be closure too... But I think, in retrospect things were said in the heat of the moment and they would have apologized and the years I spent avoiding them were most likely wasted.

I hope you feel better soon... but don't let things eat at you... if you feel slighted, make a phone call and make sure the offense was on purpose before you let the wound fester.


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## artgecko (Nov 26, 2013)

I agree with the poster above... You just have to let some things go. I also wouldn't assume that they are snubbing you intentionally. I got married 3 years ago and I got a long nasty FB message from a my former roommate in college just before the wedding. She was angry that she hadn't been invited or told about the wedding (note that it was posted all over my FB page since my engagement and she never bothered to look). She also vented her rage on her sister and my two other best friends from college. All that anger... and when I responded that we did indeed send her an invitation and asked her if the address I used was correct I got no response. She also never apologized to any of us even after finding the invitation months after the wedding piled in a stack of old mail her son had moved. 

My story above is to illustrate how something can be taken the wrong way when it was never meant that way... By wasting her time and mental energy being mad with everyone I'm sure she did nothing but ruin her own time and mind with negative thoughts.. There's an old saying about hating someone or harboring forgiveness... Something like "Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". 

I would say that your best option is to get over the lack of an invite and thank you note... They might have sent it and it didn't make it or they haven't sent them out yet, etc. Even if not, what does it count for in the long run? You are getting married (I assume since you said fiance).. So make sure you invite them... tell them how much you are looking forward to them coming, etc... basically kill them with kindness so to speak. People are human and do make errors... so give them the benefit of the doubt. 

I'm assuming that you didn't tell anyone about your rat dying while at the ceremony. It is understandable that you are sad about it and angry about putting your rat in that situation. consider it a little differently though... If you had not been in that situation, your rat might have lived longer, but maybe her quality of life would have tapered off and she would have suffered longer. You can't expect others to understand how you feel about your rat dying... Many people just don't understand that rats are more like dogs (in personality) than, say, hamsters, so it is just hard for them to "get it"... My family is not animal-savvy at all so I've just gotten to where I don't bring the animals up because it doesn't interest them. I just avoid the subject and talk about things we do have in common. I know that I hate when people talk about sports (I can't stand football)... So I just think that hearing me talk about rats or my reptiles to other people might be a similar experience. Your family is important to you... even if they don't understand your pets or you at times. It is worth the effort to have a relationship with them. After all, family will far outlive any pets you ever own and when tough times come, you can usually rely on family to help you out even more so than friends.


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## Leila (Oct 25, 2015)

You definitely have all the reasons to feel this upset. You should never question your feelings.
First of all, I'm very sorry this happened to you. I read Bijou's thread, and I was in tears by the end of it. 
I'm not good with advices, but I'd say to let your feelings out. If you want to cry, do it. If you want to miss a couple of days of work, do it. Grieving is a long process that may take a while, but it's something we all must go through at some point in our lives. Let the sadness come, and then allow it to go in it's own time. You'll be okay, I'm sure.

I'm not sure if this is helpful at all, but if that was time to Bijou pass on, nothing would have stopped it from happening, you know? So, you surely shouldn't be blaming you for taking her with you or for attending the cerimony. She was near her best friend in her final moments, after all.

As of your family, comunication is everything. Just as it felt god to rant here to us, it'll feel even better to tell them what exactly you are feeling, why you are so upset, and that this is so important to you that you couldn't just let it go.

I hope this was somewhat recomforting, and remember I'm always here for listening. If you need someone to talk to, I'l be here. xx


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## Drakmanka (Jul 27, 2015)

Losing a rattie "soul mate" is excruciating... I'm so sorry you had to lose her like that.
Not even being acknowledge for the effort you made to be there for your cousin's big day is just salt in the wounds.
What I try to remind myself, especially after losing a rat who was as dear to me as your Bijou was to you, is that we always have the memories. They will always have a special place in our memories, and our hearts will always beat a little more fondly when we think of them.


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## Finnebon (Jul 15, 2013)

I guess I made it sound like the whole reason I was angry was because they didn't talk to me about little Bijou, which isn't the case. She was a huge factor, for sure. But not on their end. They were aware that it happened because my grandmother flew up and was already there and we were driving, and I let her know, and she told the family. It does stink they didn't say anything, but I wasn't expecting them to at all, it was their wedding day and they were trying way too hard to make it as traditional as possible I guess so they were very focused (it was kind of funny, it was almost like they were going down a check list and all the ideas taken from pintrest. It was nice and they seemed happy, but the whole thing just had a weird vibe to it). What bothered me was that they weren't considerate for other reasons.

Also, just thought I'd add this on, I got married last week and they never sent a card or gift despite what we gave them and all that fuss in my original post.. We had a very tiny civil ceremony, no elaborate wedding, and we weren't expecting any gifts because of that of course, but we still got a lot of "congratulations" cards and a few wedding gifts, even some gifts and cards from coworkers of my husband or his parents and from people we never met! I wasn't expecting a gift, but it would have been nice to have been acknowledged at least. Especially from family.

My cousin's parents and his sister all had something nice for us like a card or a small present, but he and his wife couldn't be bothered with that either I guess. I don't want to fester about this and am definitely feeling upset, but I won't let this really change the relationship I have with them. I know in the long run it's a silly reason kinda, and I sholdn't burn any bridges over it. I guess it's just nice to write it all out and get out my frustrations this way with people who can validate my feelings and agree with me or give me a different point of view to try to make me feel better.

But still, it kinda hurts that we were brushed off so many times like we were so insignificant.


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